"Where Are You Now"
Fairfield. Oh Fairfield. So many things to say. Do I care to? Not really. Should I? Yes. Let me be upfront and say that I hated this town. Not hate, but hated. There was a time when I just couldn't stand stepping foot here. I think all the bad that was done to me, overshadowed any of the good. At one point my mom had to really force me to put my head up high, because I honestly couldn't stand being in that town. I do visit though. I was in town when I got hit by the car. Just my luck that it was in Fairfield. At least I had family to take care of me. My parents live there, and most of my stuff is stored at my parents. Well, it used to be stored there... Now they are packed and coming with me to New York. Anyways, I hated being there. Anytime I came to town, I would literally not tell anyone because I did not feel like being seen around town. Growing up, I liked Fairfield. I never loved it, I loathed it a ton, then I hated it, now I just acknowledge the good that came from this place. The bad is not something I like to talk about, but hey, that's why ya'll are here to read my diary. So sit back and relax, while I fill the tea in your cup, LOL. In no means is this a hate entry, this is about forgiving, and how i've gotten to a place in my heart, where I can forgive all who has done me wrong.
Fairfield was always the middle man. It was SF, Fairfield, and LA. It's no secret, I was always more fond of LA. I made that known when I was 3 years old. There was just something about the city life, that I loved more than the small town of Fairfield. As I got older, the things I wanted to do, were not normal things people my age wanted to do. I never fit in with the rest of my peers. I always stood out. I believe that whatever we have inside of us, should be showcased for the world to see. Fairfield didn't exactly agree with that. I started to see that more in my teenage years. I used to do shows around town, and the amount of hate I received was horrible. I understand I wasn't the best. This was before I took vocal lessons and really learned music and how to control the gift I was given. But still, I was 13-15 and people would throw things at me, give me dirty looks, say the rudest things, it was just so much hate. All I wanted was to feel accepted, and I never felt that here. These were people my age and adults. Fucking adults, wished harm on me. It was so bad. Honestly the people who I wanted to have support from, they never gave me the time of day. Back at Dover, my teachers were supportive of me. Then I spent 6 months in hell at this hell hole called Fairfield High School. Most of my former classmates have beautiful memories there. NOT ME. I was spit on by random strangers, had posters of myself thrown to my face, I was continuously verbally harassed and called Gay and Faggot, by my male classmates, my teachers specifically my avid, math, and band teacher, they were so unkind to me. I remember my math teacher gave me an F because I ended up with swine flu and I was hard at work with my career. He didn't agree that I was entering the music industry at that age. He literally was kind to everyone but me. He had it out for me. I felt so unwanted and so unsafe everytime I entered his class. That's not the environment any kid should have to be in. Then my band teacher. HELL FUCKING NO. So on my last day of school there, he literally told me, "you will never make it without this band".... Well dude, thanks for saying that. I really wish I spoke up and told you off that day, because i'm still standing regardless of what has been thrown my way, since leaving that hell of a campus. I was treated so bad there. It was bad enough I was already dealing with outside abuse. Schools are supposed to feel like a safe place for students. I felt so unsafe. I felt so down on myself. I only stayed at that school for 6 months. I got the fuck outta there and went into homeschool. Ya'll already know I worked my ass off in homeschool and ran away to LA, away from this town that really scarred me. All of the bad that was done to me in Fairfield, it really made me hate it. That is why I can never see myself living here again. I can stand visiting, but I can't stand the idea of me living in a place where some of my worst nightmares came to life. It's taken a lot in me to really weigh out the idea of forgiving everyone that has hurt me here. Thanks to therapy, I feel like I finally reached a point where I can cross that line of forgiveness.
I think for me that line that needed to be crossed, got crossed when I got hit by the car. To think, I got hit by a car while I was visiting Fairfield. I think my path to forgiving everyone that hurt me in this town, starts with the man who hit me with the car. I was really upset with the guy who hit me. It's his fault, through and through. I think I was more upset with the idea that he could end up hurting someone else, and this time, it would be worst. I got hit really close to my parents house. It hasn't been easy stepping outside of the house I grew up in. It's a reminder, and it's something i'm still working on. I have been to the area where I got hit 4x now. One because I was required to, and 3 because I was willing to. I wanted to go see it and be there for a second in time. That will forever be the location where I crossed the line. Once I flew off of that car, my life was bound to never be the same. As I have been going through the process of forgiving, I wanted to start with him. I forgive you, J. I won't say his name for legal reasons, but I forgive him. I just hope he's more careful moving forward. It's been giving me hell over the last 3 months, but I do forgive him. Regardless of it all, I feel that I have to forgive him because I can never put my foot forward and do the next right thing if I hold a grudge over him. As I feel at peace with that choice, I also feel at peace forgiving everyone that has done me wrong. From the people who sent me death threats, to the ones that threw things at me, to the ones that threatened me, to the bullies that tried their best to harass me, to the teachers who thought they could make me feel less than myself. All of you, thank you. Thank you for that, because you've given me the thicker skin, most people do not have. It's gonna be hella cold living in New York, and I need to make sure that I put my think skin to use now. I didn't go through all these years of pain and misery on behalf of my illness, and you, to just go down so easily. I will not try to be taken down as I try my best to climb higher than I ever have. You all hurt me, you know who you are. But I forgive you. I forgive you because, I choose to take the high road, as opposed to the low road I was forced to ride on. I forgive this town that housed these delivish souls. I hated you Fairfield. But I can't hate you now, because my family does love it here. As much as I can't stand this place, I love my family, and wherever they feel that home is, then I support it. Therefore, I forgive you. It is so meta that the line that needed to be crossed was crossed here. Maybe it was always meant to be that way. Now that i've crossed it, it's leading me to the exit sign. So thanks, Fairfield. Thanks for being the place where I was shaped into me. Without the base that was created here, I wouldn't be onto my next journey. Even though so much bad was done here, i'm grateful for all the good that was done, all the good that shines through me.
So, I think i've spoken enough. In closing, if it wasn't for you, I would never be who I am. So, thank you. Thank you for it all. Farewell, Fairfield. I hope that no one ever fees they have to feel the way I felt, when I lived there. If they do end up feeling that way, I hope in time, their heart will heal, like mine. I wish you the best.
Photographer: Dom Baza
What I'm Wearing: Coat -Alfani, Shirt - Good Fellow, Jeans - Forever 21, Boots - Palladium
Every post I will include the song that inspired me to build a post around it's title
Stories From My Life - CHAPTER 16: THE FINAL PAGES
Love what you read? Leave your thoughts on instagram and let's discuss together.
Stories From My Life
(APRIL 17- PRESENT)