"I guess I just feel like"
"God Only Knows"
It's funny how life works. I write an entry before this about dancing through the hate and then life decides to slap you right across the face with a part of your past. Out of all weeks too. It is holy week and Easter is tomorrow. You know, you can run and move on from the past, even the dark moments. It will always be apart of your history though. You can forgive, but you never truly forget. I usually write something uplifting this time of year. I mean, I would consider this uplifting, but conflicted as well. Something happened to me this week. I'm trying to find my way around it. Apart of me would love to just write it right out into the world, but i'm not that kinda guy. I don't disrespect that part of my life. It is a hard line to walk in between. But I figured the best way to talk about my feelings is anxiety and depression. I've made it clear that i've had to dance with the 2 of these illnesses over the years. I was just reminded that it still very much is alive and apart of me. I had one of the worst anxiety attacks this week. For those who have been hurt, abused or done wrong, you know that feeling when you see your abuser out there in the world living life freely? That feeling when you are doing fine then you get punched in the gut and things just fall apart. That is how I feel. Or how I felt. I'm at different state of mind right now. I was not in the right state of mind. I tried to write down how I was feeling but I was too drained and emotional to even write a single word down. Like I said, you can try to move on. You may have already moved on, but you'll always have some sort of reminder of the wrong doings done to you. I wasn't expecting what happened to happen. I freaked out... badly. I kept my mouth shut while I internally screamed. My best friends along with my inner thoughts, have asked me, what would I do if the situation that happened this week, happen to me? I always answered, I do not know. That moment came and I can tell you, I ran. I don't know if my heart and my mind could take that moment and confront it face to face. Not yet at least. I'm strong, but i'm not that strong yet. I'm still figuring out my mind. My mind is fresh out of the tower it was locked in. Yes, I just jumped far away to New York.. but this right here... I mentally can't deal with that. I am doing my best to move on, but damn it, it hurts. What happened not only messed with my life, it messed my mind up. I was sick for gods sake. I wasn't well. I was going blind. I just wanted the one part of my life that was going amazingly well, to stay in place. Instead it was crushed right before my eyes. I didn't even have a chance to do what I had set out to do. I was destroyed. My heart was broken. It was broken by promises not kept. It took me so long to heal from that. I'm still not fully healed. I'm still figuring out what that part of healing is. It is like loosing apart of yourself that you can never get back. I know i'll never get that part of me back, I got something else now. I'm cool with that, but the sting of the pain that was done to me, i'll always feel that sting. I can forgive what happened, but I can't forget. I had to forgive myself, because I thought it was all my fault. I was apologizing to everyone for this illness that took down every aspect of my life. I never had to apologize. If anyone should be saying sorry, it is anyone involved in helping to bring down someone who was already down. I never really had anxiety before Glaucoma and the wrong doings done to me. But now I go into a corner and close up and away. I can't take that reminder because it brings me back to the darkest moments I have faced. You can put on a smile and yes, be happy. But when you go home and your'e by yourself, it hits you. Every thing you have gone through hits you like a wrecking ball. The only way I can cope with anxiety is letting it pass. Doing things that make me feel whole. Eating or drinking comfort foods that make me feel me. I have to be brought back down to earth, because I can't enter a path of depression that makes me want to just end it all. I've been there. I know what those feelings are like.. Let me tell you, not only is dark, but there comes a point where you nearly cross the line and pray that god brings you back. Because once you do that, that is that. Your'e done. Every little potential to do better is gone. People think you can just push these feelings away. You can, but they will always be somewhere in your mind. It takes one person or something to activate it and send you down a downward spiral. If there is one thing I have learned, speak up. That is why I document every feeling and write it in this diary or through music. You can't close up forever otherwise you will explode. Anxiety and depression is real. It is as real as the sky you look up at. Moments like what happened to me, will happen. You can never prepare yourself for that, but you can prepare to help get your mind back on track. It hurts like hell. God only knows what i've gone through. But it is up to us to sort out what we are feeling and pick ourselves back up. I wanted to just stay in a ball and cry. But what good is that going to do for me? Jesus went and died for our sins and came out stronger and ready to take on a new day for us. So I got up today. I wasn't happy. I got out of bed and told myself, to write down how I'm feeling now. Because even if it is not much, these words can help someone. If I let this bring me back down, then what happened will overshadow every good thing that I have done to move on from it. It will make it seem like the past that was before me is still in charge of me. I am in charge of me. This is not your story, This is not your life. This is not your career. My mind, my body, my voice is NOT YOURS. Sure, the tears i've carried are inflected by the rage and pain that was caused to mentally scar me forever, but I am in control now. It may seem like I am alone, but hell, I am alone and free. This next phase of my life is not for you to bring down, like before. I will not let what happened happen to me again and I will make sure that I use the voice you think you gave to me and tell my story my way. So how do I feel now? I feel fired up, sir. I'm not about to be brought down by a moment in time. I have so much to give, and just because the people who were apart of my journey don't have what I have, can't give what I will give, doesn't mean they will bring me down. It is Easter tomorrow. Jesus will rise and so will I. Everyday is a test. Everyday is a struggle. It is up to me to make it through and do my best with what I have. You can overcome. I'm still overcoming. It may seem like I have it all together. I don't. It takes time and time is all I have.
Photographer: Courtney Johnson & Dom Baza
What I'm Wearing in "I Guess I Just Feel Like" : Sweater - Vintage find, Jeans - Good Fellow
What I'm Wearing in "God Only Knows" : Vest - Gap, Shirt - Forever 21, Jeans - H&M
Every post I will include the song that inspired me to build a post around it's title
Page 122 & Page 123
Stories From My Life - Chapter 13
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Stories From My Life
(APRIL 17- PRESENT)