START OF CHAPTER 15
Home again. After what felt like a whirlwind short but long as hell stay in Virginia, i'm back in SF and ready to see what the beginning of a life changing summer has in store. Being back east for a 2nd time this year has me craving the 3rd time charm more than ever. Spring is coming to a close and certain aspects are coming to a close in the life of me and my loved ones. I never thought I would get to a place where I would be okay saying i'm "home again", in the bay area. We've come a long way from the boy who kinda refused to mention the area he was in. I swear I used to try and write my way around it. I felt like I needed a cleanse after Virginia. I still can not get the images outta my mind, it is still so fresh... but fading into the distance as the days go on. I literally landed at the airport and went home to eat Vegan food. Vegan food on my terms. That trip cost me a good $3,000.00. I'm dead serious. My bank account is dented a little, but it is fixable. I'll leave it at that. At least I don't have to pay for lyfts every day now. Back to bart and back to the people in my life. That is one of the things I couldn't wait to do, getting off that American Airlines flight. I met with my friend Danny on Tuesday night for taco tuesday/ tell all drinks. Tell all drinks is not a name of any event, it literally is just me saying that because I spill the tea. Walking through the mission district reminded me, I am so lucky to live in a place that is so diverse and so open. I saw a gay couple and dozens of different skin colors on the street. The complete opposite from what I witnessed in Virginia. I knew I was home as soon as I saw all the diversity. Danny told me there was this awesome place with views for days where we can get drinks and eat good food. I don't think I've talked about Danny on here. Not to be confused with my best friend Dan who is living in Germany. Danny lives in the bay area. I have connections to many different social influencers and i'm lucky when I get to strike genuine friendships with guys like Danny. We all know some of them can be a bitch. I mean, remember my "Lost In Translation" entry.... BYE... Anyways, i've gotten to know Danny at one of the best times in my life... We met during my 5 year Glaucoma anniversary phase. In a way it kinda feels like god gave me a new friend as I prep to go on the next journey of my life. I wanted that. New friends here in the bay. I've gotten to know some people here, but none are at the level of relationships I have with people like Steven and now Danny. He's a good guy and has that life experience under his belt. I'm lucky I can call him a friend and confidant. Plus I really am on a major shortage of friends when it comes to guys. So I consider myself lucky that I can add Danny to my inner circle and this story of mine. Between venting about what I had seen and the stress from the last few weeks, just getting to talk to someone who I now consider a role model of sorts, it was a relief. I mean I drank for the first time in 2 months... Maybe more... I didn't even drink in New York, so I'm not sure how long it has been. I don't drink often, but hell! I had to make up for my birthday in some way. What I love about Danny is he's different from me, but I can still learn so much from him. I think that's one of the reasons why I tend to have older friends. I act old, but we all know i'm 24 and the worlds youngest oldest adult. We got deep into my frustrations about how the fuck i'm going to get out of California. See, still a little frustrated, but i'm figuring it out. Now that i'm 24, i'm hitting that crossroad phase, because I know I can leave. We sat there for a few hours as the sun set and the stars came out over this fantastic view of the SF skyline. It was the therapy I needed knowing that anything can happen over the next few weeks as I prepare to leave home again... this time to go figure out what my own version of home is.
Flip side of the coin. After meeting with Danny it feels like vacation, or whatever the hell that trip was, is over. It feels like i'm getting back in gear with the life I know. I don't care for it, but I know that this will be the last time of some sorts on this pathway here. I've made it known that stress has been eating me up. I feel the pressure of it all. Then I stop and think for a second. We've come so far from where we started, I can't let the newfound storm clouds wash me away. I mean that in a literal way. It is has been raining like crazy here. You know, i'm so unsure with how things are going. Sometimes I get a clear glimpse, sometimes I get a faded glimpse. It gets hard. Then I remember my grandma. Her birthday was Sunday. Me, Grandma and Tyson share a 3 day in a row birthday. It is always so special knowing this, especially now that she's no longer on this earth with us. She had this smile. No matter how much pain or stress, she always smiled. I wish I had that attitude when I got sick. I just cried all the time. I'm now doing my best to try and channel that smile into my own. I talked about this in my "Older" entry. I can't loose that smile. It is hard trying to get out of here. Well, this new stage of my life is the complete opposite from the boy who wrote the "Little Giant" entry from 2012. But it is more like an evolved version of that. I'm not just looking to move on, i'm looking to plant some roots and grow more smiles. That way the love that I have can create more love and be able to share that with the world. When my grandma passed, I made a promise. I made promise to go out there and make her proud. Go out there and live a life that i'll be happy with. Like I said, glimpses are shown, and it is so possible. But right now trying to be with the one that I love the most is complicated. I just want my life to be at a place where I can be with the one I love and focus on my career that kinda needs to be brought back to life. My 2nd album Let The Music Be You Guide turns 5 on Monday. It is another reminder that time has moved on from that phase of my life, but those feelings within those lyrics, they live on. It is so crazy that I foreshadowed my life now, way back in 2013 when those songs were being written and recorded. Everything I do is based on my life and the love in my heart. I just want to see what is possible when all the I love is finally given a spotlight. So we gotta figure this out over the next few weeks. How do we get back to New York.... What do I have to do to get all the frustration and complications outta my way... how do I say goodbye to the life I know and the places I consider home... How do I honor the promises made and fulfill them to the best of my ability... How can we make this transition from one heart to two hearts into one, if possible... How can I live up this summer to make it even better than the amazing one I had last year... How do I honor what's been done while going down a new road... How do I keep the smile that you fell in love with, while balancing conflicting feelings in my gut... How do I water the soil I walk above so I can grow as we go... These are questions that will be answered over the next few weeks as I dive deeper into the unknown. My grandma was able to keep her smile all the way up until she left this Earth. There is a song that I love, called "Smile". It ends with "You'll find that life is still worthwhile, if you just smile"... So with that said, I'm gonna do my best to keep the smile and hopefully by the end of it all, it will be worthwhile.
"Home Again" Photographer: Dom Baza
"Smile" Photographer: Courtney Johnson
What I'm Wearing: Jacket - Good Fellow, Shirt - Armani, Jeans - H&M, Shoes - Guess
What I'm Wearing: Mickey Sweater - H&M, Jeans - Forever 21
Every post I will include the song that inspired me to build a post around it's title
Page 133 & Page 134
Stories From My Life - CHAPTER 15
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Stories From My Life
(APRIL 17- PRESENT)