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Hold your breath for 15 seconds. What happens when you exhale on the 16th second? That is something that I wanted to find out. After all that I've been through over the years, from getting diagnosed with Glaucoma, to the fallout of that, to the private battles behind the scenes, to me getting hit by the car. Lately i've thought about all of that. Every one of these things happened during those 15 seconds. I'm now living in my 16th second. After my near death experience, I re evaluated a lot of the things I thought that I wanted. Sure, some of the things seem capable and would be fun to do. But, I feel like I needed to scrap everything I promised myself I would do within my 24 things to do before I turn 25 list. It's been 2 weeks now since the accident and it has made me think very differently. It's like i've been given a clean slate. I didn't ask for one, but it was given to me, and i'm grateful for that. I realized that my 24 things to do before 25 list, was outgoing and out of my comfort zone. Which is fantastic, but now I see, it is not something I want or can do before i'm 25. The things I should do, is more simpler, but still in the reach and range of seeking discomfort. With all this backstory and rich history, that my life has given me, I still plan on using that as a platform to make an impact and touch lives. That is something that remained and always will remain. Moving on is evident. I just wrote a whole entry about why I have to move on, so I won't repeat something that you can literally read on the page before this. Leave California and have a goodbye party. I already stated my reasons about why I need to leave California, but I never addressed having a goodbye party. That is important for me. I really want to not leave here on bad terms. It's not really a goodbye party, but more like a moving on party, for my soul. For all the wrongs that was done to me over the years, I can't forgive them all, but during this 16th second, I can at least breathe out the negativity. As I outlined the rest of my list, it's just simple things that I want. Such as spending Christmas with the one I love. Record my new album, that I have been longing and praying to make. I still want to dance under the stars and attend another concert. I also want to add more people into my life. Make friends, but be selective. I don't want anyone else screwing me over again. I really want and plan to complete my 100 days of sweat. I had no choice but to pause that because of my injuries. I'm still in healing mode, but i'll find a way to complete it. I want to make it up to myself by doing another 100 days, hopefully uninterrupted, when I get better. Here's where my list and reasons take a very different turn. I almost died. I don't want to regret anymore. I feel like ever since I got Glaucoma, a list of regrets has been building up. After all the surgeries and treatments, I almost lost the 2nd chance I got, to do it all right. I never used that chance I was given. Now, I really have to use it. I want to be able to witness everyone that I love, grow another year older, Near or far, I just want to see everyone I love make it out alive and healthy, or semi- healthy, for another year, and beyond. I realized, I haven't learned enough from my peers and elders. Now is the time to soak in every little detail, and use it to benefit my mind. I have all these ideas and all these different things that I believe in and stand for. I need to showcase all of that 100%. I hold back sometimes because there is a fine line that shouldn't be crossed. Forget that line! I need to continue evolving and growing along with what I believe in, and what I stand for. My truth matters, it always has. I almost left this earth without my truth being heard. I won't let that happen again. I need to love harder, pray harder, protect my mind, and smile more. Smiling is something that i've been working on. Everyone sees that, which is good. Protect my mind, that is something I need to work on. I almost lost my mind this summer. I'm not going to let that happen again. I can't and won't let that happen to me. My mind is my treasure chest, every memory, good or bad, is locked within it. I can't let the bad try to take over, every good memory my mind has saved along the way. Pray harder. My relationship with god is something that I value, with all my heart. I will admit, I haven't prayed as much as I used too. You get so caught up with life and you just push it off. Because it takes a few minutes that you can use for something else. I talk to god everyday, regardless. But, I do regret not praying harder than I usually do. I need to fix that, and make that part of my life, stronger than it ever was. Love harder. What do I mean by that? I always tell everyone that I love them, but I feel like I don't do that enough. 2 weeks ago I almost didn't get that chance to tell everyone that I love, that I love them. I left convos unread, and missed phone calls. I need to do a better job at making time, no matter how I feel. To be there for everyone, in some shape or form. Even if that is just saying I love you. Just so they know I am here for them. Make it out alive. I hope and pray that I make it out alive, once again, by the end of my 24th year. Life can really change within a split second and I cherished it so much, prior to what happened, but now I can't let that go. I'm not ready to. When I know in my heart, feel it in my gut, and feel it burn through my soul, that my story is not done. I have barely accomplished anything since I turned 24. I would have been in heaven, thinking, oh, I didn't even get to do what I wanted to do. Now I feel like i've chosen things that I can do. Things that I can work on and grow with. Beyond the pages of this diary and everything I do in life, I need to live in this 16th second and beyond. When this story comes to a close, that's it. But that's not the end. It's the beginning of something new. I hope that within that new beginning, these things that I need do, will be the beating drums of my heart, as I walk forward and toward my 2nd chance to do it all right.
What I'm Wearing: Shirt - Vintage find, Jeans - Forever 21, Shoes - Lugz, Sunnies - WearMePro
Every post I will include the song that inspired me to build a post around it's title
Stories From My Life - CHAPTER 16: THE FINAL CHAPTER
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Stories From My Life
(APRIL 17- PRESENT)