CHAPTER 4: The Times They Are A-Changing
Entry #38: "What The Hell Am I Doing Here"
Life in quarantine has its moments. All you can do is try your best to keep level headed. That in itself is a challenge on some days. Being anxious is something that I think we all have been experiencing some form of every now and then. It is not a feeling that we want to feel. Yet, we have to deal with it head-on. I'm not going to lie and say some days I don't feel that way. I've been having more nightmares lately. I find myself losing more sleep. Over the past week, I have fallen asleep at 2 am. It feels like I'm living within the lyrics of one of my songs. I'm anxious. Not because of Corona. I'm just anxious, because more than anything, I really want to find a way to get to work. Being a social influencer is now a thing of the past. I'll get deeper into that later. But while it is fresh on my mind, I feel like that job title is becoming more and more extinct as the days go on. Barely any collabs are being handed out because of the current state of the world. In a way, it kind of worked out in my favor. I've been planting the seeds to step away from that world. I just want to get back to the music. That is the world I have always belonged in. I'm frustrated because I have a whole album written and I'm stuck because of this virus that continues to spread around me. I have found no producer and no studio to work in. I have been becoming more vocal about the music I have written, because I feel more than ever, that it is time for it to release out into the world. I haven't made an album in 7 years. I feel like it is way past time for me to return. The world I have created within the songs I have written, right now, more than ever, I feel that they can help so many people through these uncertain times. My music is the thing that calms me, but it also causes me to be anxious, because I don't know how to navigate these waters I was thrown into, just like everyone else. I'm trying my best to find a way to get this done and get it done safely. If I was in New York, I 100% think this album would already be near the finish line. My original plan was to record the album in LA, but that is just not possible with the Corona Virus rising to all-time highs. I'm going to have to go back home to New York eventually. This album needs to have some sort of visual presentation there. As I said, I have created a world within the songs I have written. New York is very much apart of that world. Before I even cross that line to visually showcase the words I have written, I would like to vocally get them out of me. I don't know how I'm going to do that. This is one of the most interesting challenges I have been faced with. I've faced many roadblocks, but this one here is mentally challenging me to find a way to do something out of the box. I really hope I can find someone to create this music with. I wish I could produce music. If I knew how, and if I had the right equipment, I would have been recording this album since we got locked away. Since I don't know how I have to find someone willing to work with me during this pandemic. That in itself is a risk, but it is a risk I'm looking to take safely. I hope I find someone willing to take that risk with me. I'm in the Bay Area and it is actually a lot harder to find someone good to work with to make this album. I need someone who is going to understand my stories and the overall world I have created. I don't want someone who is going to barely contribute to the richness and value of my words. It seems to me no one knows anyone that is worthy of that. I wish they did. I hope I find them soon, so I can breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that I'll finally be able to let these stories and the world I have built within me, come to life. Life is questionable, we ask ourselves why we are in these situations. I guess that brings us back to life wanting us to find a way. Life is about finding a way to make things possible. Even in times when it is not clear, I know there is some pathway for me to swim to shore safely and figure out a way to let whatever I have to say come to shore along with me. Hopefully, the pathway will show itself in the uncertain new world of COVID-19.
Photographer: RL BAZA
What I'm Wearing: Shirt - Nat Geo, Jeans - Levis