CHAPTER 4: The Times They Are A-Changing
Entry #45: Reflection
Recently, it has hit me that I'm going to be 30 in nearly 4 years. As I look forward down the line with my career and my life, I begin to see that I have to unlearn some of the lessons that I learned over the last year, especially when it comes to my life in New York. I am glad, that I was able to get some of the missing elements of my youth fulfilled within that small period before Corona. But, as the days have gone on and I struggle with my mental health, I realize that some of the reasons why I feel stuck is not just because of Corona, it is because I realized that thorough all the change I have gone through, I haven't really evaluated the positive and negative sides of the change that has happened. I'm starting to see that I have outgrown some specific aspects of my new life that I have created over the last year. It is time now to choose what moves forward and what I can let fall within this summer to autumn transition phase. They say spring cleaning is a good time to clear out, but I always find this time of year the best time to look at my reflection and see who's on the inside of that mirror. Right now, I see a boy who is adapting, I see the physical changes New York has done to me, be it style and attitude, I see my scars from my past, I see the hurt evolve into something new, but I also see a newer form of delicacy that I didn't have before. For me, that will be my starting point for another evolution. How do I harden that delicacy and make it work with who I am? I have to let more things slide away, I have to let more leaves fall off the tree. I can't hold on forever for some things and some people to grow as fast as I'm growing. We grow at different speeds and phases. I'm starting to realize it is okay to let other things and people grow at their own phase, sometimes we can't grow together. As much as that cold hard truth hurts, we have let some things grow on their own, so we can become what we truly are meant to be. This week, I started the process to see who I want standing at the end of the line with me. Who and what is going to propel me into something more. It sucks letting go of people and things that you genuinely love. But sometimes, you have too. You have to let them go and do their own thing. Let them find their own way. You'll always love them, but it turns into a different kind of love. Your level of respect for them may change, but you'll always hold a little fondness somewhere in your heart. Sometimes your reflection tells you what you aren't willing to tell yourself out loud. You look in that mirror and you begin to realize, you can't stay this way. A part of you will always hold out hope, but you gotta do what you gotta do. You can't hold your growth to please people by trying to be at their level. I unknowingly was trying to level myself down for people and things that were not up to my rate of growth. You should never have to level down, to level up. Stay on your own course, and you'll grow how you are supposed to grow. As the weeks go on and this weird year comes to an end, I'll heavily be evaluating my reflection and continue to do my best to let it let go of what may be holding me back. I think the whole world just wants to find a way to move on from everything this year, hopefully this time of self-evaluation will allow that for us. Hopefully, by the end of it all, our reflection shows who we are inside.
Photographer: RL BAZA
What I'm Wearing Shirt - Good Fellow, Overalls - Forever 21, Shoes -Vans, Mask - Seek Discomfort