Overboard

CHAPTER 4: The Times They Are A-Changing
Entry #32: "Overboard"

Dear readers,
It seems like we are all trying to catch ourselves as our broken pieces fall from the sky. From Corona to BLM, so many continuous messes and we're just trying to stay above ground. I came back earlier because I really needed to vent. I have not been feeling right. I know, everyone has seen me working out for the last 3 months, I thought maybe that would help me. In different ways, yes, it has helped me. Now I sit here, deep in my thoughts, because as the world burns around me, I can feel my body wants to give in and give up on me. I haven't been able to properly hear out of my left ear for one month now. My right ear already has lost some hearing when I got diagnosed with Glaucoma. So I have been used to that feeling on that side of my body. However, for my left ear, this is very new. The left side of my body has been my right hand for the last 6 years. It has been working overtime to do the work that the right can't do. From seeing to hearing, my left side is my right hand. Now to have my left side be on the verge of its first damages, am I scared? Hell yes.

 I just turned 25. I have always understood that I was given a time for how long the tube in my eye and all the out of hospital treatment would last. I know the ear is not related to my eye disease, but having Glaucoma makes it easier for my body to get more sick than normal healthy bodies. That is how I lost part of my hearing in my right ear so early on within my diagnosis. Back in 2015, we had to make sure my brain was okay, because these things that were happening to me, should not have been happening. Now, to have that disaster free-fall, show signs of starting up again, during pandemics, and national crisis, it's a little too much for me. The doctor that I saw, he cleared my ear out. I thought it was going to be fine. It was for at least a few hours. Then it took a turn for the worst. The next day another doctor told me that I am having a eustachian tube dysfunction. This has now caused me to lose part of my hearing. I am told that this is temporary, but how long is temporary? I have had a horrible sinus infection for two months, going on 3 now.

I have had this problem with my ear for a month. How long is temporary? I am hanging by a thread. This is how it started the first time. I noticed changes within my right ear and then obviously we all know I woke up and wasn't able to see. I am trying my best to catch the pieces of my body free-falling from the sky, so I don't have to suffer like I did the first time. I am annoyed, I am aggravated, I am filled with discomfort. However, above all those things, I am a fighter. As much as this situation has been uncomfortable, I refuse to stay in bed and make myself more miserable. I spent the majority of Friday crying. Then I woke up on Saturday and cried some more. Then I slapped myself and said, what the fuck am I doing on the floor at 7 am crying? I guess part of the reason I have an ounce of fear is because of the PTSD that this disease has given me, along with the incident getting hit by the car. I don't talk a lot about my experience with PTSD. I usually have such a firm grip on it, but sometimes, it's hard to deal with.

 Life is hard to deal with. It can rock one moment, and the next moment feels like rock bottom. I think that's why I invested so much self-care into myself when quarantine started. I didn't want to bring myself down after leaving such a high plot point in my story in New York. As much grief as I feel for myself on some days, like I did on Friday and Saturday, I have to remind myself I have already come so far. I have done things I didn't think was going to be possible after getting diagnosed with Glaucoma. I am not the boy that had to use dark glasses all the time, I am not the boy who needed the walking stick. I have evolved away from who he was. Now that I have stepped into this evolution, how does this evolved version of myself deal with the problems that have been lingering for too long? I honestly don't know. All I know is, I am a fighter. As scary as these uncertain moments, from my health to the state of the world, I have no choice but to fight. Just because my body feels like it is ready to start giving in, and giving up, doesn't mean I am ready for it to make that decision for me. I may not be able to control how my body feels, but I can control how I feel. I don't feel like surrendering yet, I still have a lot of fight left in me. I just hope it can clear soon so I can feel like my head is above water because even a fighter gets tired of drowning and struggling to rise above water for a breath of air. 
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​Love, Roy

Photographer: RL BAZA

What I'm Wearing: Sweater - American Eagle, Pants - Uniqlo, Beanie - Adam Levine