Lose you to love me

CHAPTER 1: Welcome To New York
Entry #8: "Lose You To Love Me"

Dear readers,
So, I said goodbye for many reasons. But, mainly because I knew I couldn't continue to try and save this sinking ship. I'm not going to lie to you, I continued to try and save this ship up until recently. I just didn't want to let it go all the way down to the bottom of the ocean. Now I'm telling myself, it's okay to do that. It's okay to let it sink now. I'm sitting here on Valentine's Day, a little bitter, but mostly bittersweet. It's bittersweet because I sure as hell know that I deserve better. I deserve more. As my family and I have been talking lately, we've been saying that we deserve to love, we also deserve to be loved. I feel like for the last 2 months that I have been in New York, I've been learning to live without a limb that I relied on. I didn't depend on my relationship, but it gave me some sort of crutch, knowing that someone loved me. Or at least what I thought love was. I've had to revaluate a lot of my life here in New York. I was continuously promised the world, and I continuously fell for it. I believed in him, I believed in us. I just drowned so much of myself into this idea of what I thought we were, and what I thought we could be. In the process of that, I lost apart of myself. I was living for him, and not for myself. At one point, I remember looking in the mirror, not even knowing the boy I was turning myself into. For the last 2 months that I have spent on my own, I've had to re-learn who I am. It's amazing how the last 2 months have felt like half a year. It's felt so long, but it went by so quickly. I'm not the boy I used to know, I'm honestly a better man. There are moments when I feel the sting of what used to be, then there are the happiest moments. I swear I have smiled so much over the last 2 months. Everyone says, regardless of the stress I am now going through, from my living situation, and adult problems, this is the lightest and happiest that I have been. It's true. I not only see myself evolving, I feel it as well. I had to relearn to love myself. I had to lose you to love me. As scary as that may seem, sometimes we have to break away from the crutch that held us together. Because the crutch that you glue yourself too may be the thing that is holding you back. Life is a revolving door. I thought that my relationship would come back through the door. I thought that we would be able to hit replay and start fresh. That is not always the case. Life is not a fairytale. I mean, you could write one, but let's be real, fairytales are some dark pieces of writing. Before we get to the happy ending, we gotta go and grow through all the dark shit. I was willing to do that with Pietro by my side. I guess I can't say the same for him. That's okay. I dreamed of a life for us. The thing about dreams is, they are just a dream. You can always start fresh and dream a new dream. So, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to dream something better. I have a career that I am working hard for. I have these plans that will grow into something so much more. I'm not going to give up on the idea of love, just because my old dream couldn't come to see the light of day. Not right now, but soon. I feel like now that I have gone through continuous transformations, I'll be okay to open my heart for someone new. I can't keep letting myself lose you. But, this time is different. This time I truly did end up falling for someone new, that someone new, was me. 

Love, Roydom Lucian

Photographer: Julio Chavez

What I'm Wearing: Coat - Alfani, Turtle Neck - H&M, Jeans - Express, Shoes - Madewell