Home?

CHAPTER 2: 18 Days
Entry #11: "Home?"

Dear readers, 
They say home is where the heart is. That could be true, but it could also be the place you dread the most. Let's be real, I can't be the only one in their late twenties dreading home visits. In my case, it is a mixed bag. I love my family. Well, most of my family. Sometimes you can't choose your horrible relatives. If that ain't FACTS, then what is? I love my California. I adore the city by the bay that I once lived in, I loathe that small town in far far away land, and every night I always dream of my city of angels. It really is a mixed bag for me. As a New Yorker, we say, it be like that. It really do. I'm home for the first time in 71 days... I'm here for some tests and doctor visits for my eye. In case ya'll forgot, I'm sick... It doesn't just go away... as much as I wish it would... we'll get to that later... Anyways, do I even call it home anymore? Let's just say it is the place that I used to call home. My mom is making it known to everyone, that her son does not belong in the Bay Area. She literally told someone who said "Welcome Home" to me, "this is not his home anymore, he is far beyond this place." Bless her for saying that. Because honestly, it doesn't feel like home anymore. It feels like some out of body experience in some afterlife. I arrived yesterday afternoon. First stop was a layover in my city of angels. I still get butterflies flying over LA. There is just this visible tug between me and that city. It has and always will be, meant to be. The timing just has to be right. I got off the plane and was greeted by the airport staff who carried my guitar off the plane. The 2 girls said to me, "I love your style, your outfit, your boots, your nails. You look like a rockstar. There is something so special about you". First off, that is the NICEST compliment you can receive after a 9-hour flight. 2nd, if that isn't a sign of some seed being planted for my eventual return to LA, then what is?... As I headed off to my flight to SF, I couldn't help but feel the bittersweetness creep up on me. It's written so clearly on every wall... this story is headed to LA. Maybe not in this chapter or the next. 100% though, that is the endgame. It always has been. As much as I would love to gush about my LA upbringing, it's time to talk about SF and the bay area, and why I now feel like an outsider looking in. 

As I got off the plane, it hit me that I'm back in SF. It's really weird. I moved away from here 2 months ago. I'm not even off the plane yet, and it feels like I'm a high school grad visiting his old stomping grounds. I can already tell time moves differently here. Back home in New York, time moves so quickly, but slow enough, that the last 2 months felt like half a year. I wondered to myself, how will the bonds with my loved ones be? My nephews ran up to me and greeted me. I'm so happy I got to see my boys. They are a huge part of my life. I helped be a part of my boys' upbringing for the last 5 and 8 years of their lives. My relationship with them is one of the most important relationships in my life. The only thing that really broke my heart when I moved away from here, was the thought of leaving them behind. It broke my heart a little more when I arrived, because they both said, "it's been 2 months Uncle DD, that's too long, we haven't seen you for so long". That broke my heart a little. As I said, it is a mixed bag. I wish I could continue to be at the forefront for my boys. I hated hearing that, but I have to do this. I have to set an example and show them that being in the world is a good thing. A part of my plan has always been to show them that achieving the impossible, is possible. I'm just grateful to finally have them back in my arms as if time hasn't passed. My parents and I are still the same. We're still very close. I talk to my mom and dad every day, several times in the day. I know some kids and parents would loathe that, but not me. I'm grateful for the bond that I have with them, especially after all that we have been through together. My parents are actually going to be going back to New York with me. I'm not ashamed to say I need help. My living situation has been less than ideal. Hopefully, that gets situated. When I arrived at my childhood home, just outside of the Bay, it really felt like it wasn't real. I truly felt like I don't live there anymore. I can already tell that everyone's lives went on without me. That felt like such a weird feeling for me. The only thing that didn't miss a beat is my relationship with my boys, and of course, my illness. I noticed this feeling creep up on me more, as I saw my siblings. I'm so blessed that my best friends are my brothers and sisters. 3 may not blood, but they are very much so blood to me, and of course, my godbrother is blood-related to me. Regardless, they are my siblings. They are my family. 

Of course, Courtney was the first one that I got to spend time with. My sister Courtney and I, we are a team. It's always us. It always has been us. Even though we talk every single day, several times in the day, I already see the major changes that have been made since we parted ways in December. My sister has a whole bunch of new things going on in her life. I honestly feel like an outsider looking in, as we embraced each other. Even though I have been aware of everything that has been going on. It's weird seeing how much things have changed, especially when you see the changes in person. I'm glad my sister has been moving on. We all have moved on over the last 2 months. For them, it's been 2 months. For me, it has felt like 6. To be here with them, right now, is very special for me. Courtney and I basically spent the whole duration of 2018 and 2019 together. We grew up together as kids... and as adults. Separating us was very difficult. Somehow, we always find a way back to each other. Until then we will have these little periods spent together until that day that we can live nearby, comes around again. One thing is for sure, she still and always will be my right hand. 
My brothers joined in later in the evening. I got to see my brother, Jamie, and godbrother, Braeden. It's been harder to keep up with my brother's lives since I moved to New York. I speak to them at least every 2 weeks. I grew up with Jamie. Jamie is the brother that always saw me as so much more. He has never doubted me, and when things got rough, especially when I got sick, Jamie was right there by my side, guiding me through. Braeden and I have been together since he was born. I'm lucky that I got to have a little cousin and godbrother, turn into one of my closest confidants. Braeden holds the childhood part of myself. Both he and Jamie, are always running to be by my side, no matter where I am. 
Dash was last to come home. Let's face it, my sissy is always fashionably late. It's so weird seeing her here because she literally was just in New York last month. When she got out of her car she said ”what the hell are you doing here? you do not fit in here, LOL". She is stating FACTS. 100%. Even Dash could tell, this is some weird shit seeing me here in the bay area. Weirdness aside, tonight Dash reminded me that I'm on a path back to all my siblings. I have to be apart from everyone that I love, for a while. As we talked for a good 4 hours, she said: "LA has always been our endgame". "LA has been all of our endgames." She is so right. Sometimes I forget that I moved to New York, to move to LA. As weird as that may sound, that has always been the plan for me. The fact of the matter is, that the plan is going a lot faster than I thought it would originally. When I head back to New York, it will just go further down the line. I moved away from SF because my story here is done. I'm here now for my health, and to spend a little time with my family. Being here is further proof, that there really isn't anything more for me to reach out for in SF. It feels like my life here was a whole other storybook... that's because it is. However, my story in California is not yet done. There is still something here, especially in LA... But, the bay area, it's not home anymore. Honestly, I'm okay with that. My time here will always hold a special place in my heart. I learned what I needed to learn from here. Like mom, and everyone else has said, you're far away from this place that was once home, you fit in, but you never belonged here. Now the world has me, and I'm playing in its large playground. For now, New York is home. I feel like it always will have a part of me. I passed my torch to everyone else to call SF, home. Hopefully one day, I'll have a firm location to call home. Until then, I'll carry the home that the love in my heart has created, everywhere I go. I'm here in the bay area for 18 days, let's see how the place I once called home, will treat me as a visitor, instead of a resident.

However, my story in California is not yet done. There is still something here, especially in LA... But, the bay area, it's not home anymore. Honestly, I'm okay with that. My time here will always hold a special place in my heart. I learned what I needed to learn from here. Like mom, and everyone else has said, you're far away from this place that was once home, you fit in, but you never belonged here. Now the world has me, and I'm playing in its large playground. For now, New York is home. I feel like it always will have a part of me. I passed my torch to everyone else to call SF, home. Hopefully one day, I'll have a firm location to call home. Until then, I'll carry the home that the love in my heart has created, everywhere I go. I'm here in the bay area for 18 days, let's see how the place I once called home, will treat me as a visitor, instead of a resident.
​Love, Roydom Lucian

Photographer: Courtney Johnson

What I'm Wearing - Turtle Neck - Champs, Jacket - Boss, Jeans - Levis