CHAPTER 4: The Times They Are A-Changing
Entry #41: Caught In The Middle
I have spent 2 weeks away from this diary of mine. This is honestly the longest I have gone without writing in here. I needed a break though. I was so occupied with LTMBYG and honestly, it was so refreshing. Talking about music makes me happy. It keeps me sane and at peace with myself. As promo began winding down, I knew I would have to return here and recap my feelings. If I'm being honest, I now feel kinda off. I'm in one of those moods where I'm just feeling feels a little harder than usual. I always say we all feel kinda weird sometimes. Because it is true, we do. Somedays feel just right and days like today, feel off. We are caught in the middle of our inner feelings. Sometimes we just don't know how to feel. Right now, I just don't know how to feel. I feel alone, I feel stressed, I feel overwhelmed. I'm stressed and overwhelmed because I literally can't find anyone to make this album. There is no one near this area to bring justice to my words and stories. It is so frustrating for me because I am ready to get to work and let these feeling out of me. I see everyone else finding the right people for their projects, meanwhile, I'm just stuck. I also think it is hitting me that I feel alone. I haven't seen anyone since I left New York in March. I see my brothers moving forward with their lives and careers because it is safe to do so over there. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy for them, I just feel like I'm getting left behind. I hate that feeling. You know, I slept at 10p m last night and woke up at 5 am this morning. I didn't eat yesterday. I had no appetite because I just feel off. Quarantine can do wonders for your inner strength but it can also mess with your mentality. I know that I am slipping. I can feel it. I'm glad that I know when I feel off though. It gives me a chance to get a grip on the issues before I let it slide deeper than I should let it. That is why I am writing in here. This is one of the first steps for me. Wiring down my feelings and letting them out is me confronting them head-on. It's coming up on a year since I got hit by the car. When that happened my whole mind and soul shifted for the better. I have worked hard to keep that shift going within everything that I do. I have a lot to say about that as we get closer to that date. Anyways, right now I'm caught in the middle trying to get a grip of myself. I know I will, I know I will take control of the driver's seat that I control. Our minds are an expansive world, but it can also be a prison if we choose to let it be, I will not let that happen. It's normal to be caught in the middle, we just have to make sure we don't stay there. Forward always, no matter how we feel.
Photographer: RL BAZA
What I'm Wearing: Shirt - Timberland, Shorts - H&M, Shoes - Vans