Dear readers,
It is amazing how things change over the course of a year. Today is my first re-birthday. Yes, you read that correctly, RE-BIRTH DAY. A year ago the speeding lights tried to take me down. At the moment, I feel like I'm in the same mental headspace I was in 1 year ago. I don't know if that is how it is going to be every year, but I hope not. It's made this important day, bittersweet, to say the least. 1 year ago I was just trying to complete my 75th day out of 100 days of sweat. I for sure sweat, but I got the unwanted bonus getting hit by this man in his speeding minivan. I often replay that day in my head. It took my already unknown PTSD and dialed it up to a well-known characteristic that I'm forever bound to. The moment I landed on top of his van and then flew right off as he reversed his car. The light that surrounded me shined a different tone. A shade of light that I have never seen in my lifetime. I could have laid there and died, I would have been okay dying in that way. At least it would have been an epic headline, so I tell myself. But, something in me wouldn't let me go. I took whatever strength that I had and crawled for my life to the sidewalk, thinking that as the man was reversing, that he was in the mindset of killing me. That is how fucked up my mental headspace was. Once I made it to the sidewalk, I already knew that I would never be the same. Life changed in an instant and the life that I knew, more so, the soul that I knew, he was killed the instant I landed on the roof of that man's minivan. I try not to talk about Dom Baza often. I just want him to rest. Out of the insanity of that twisted experience, Roy Lucian came to life. I may not have known that in the exact moment, but It would become evident as the weeks went on. It was beyond difficult to have to re-learn how to walk and run. It was a challenge I was willing to take. I mean, I had already gone through hell with my Glaucoma and all the extra issues that came along with it. I went through hell to get those surgeries, injections, treatments, all so I could live some sort of life. I was wasting the time God had given me. I wasn't happy with what I was doing. I was being treated so wrong in a relationship that I continuously kept fighting for. Knowing deep inside, I have to let it go. I kept finding ways to stay in a place where I had overstayed my stay. I needed to get hit by that car, to wake up and see a different light. Now, 1 year later, I once again feel thrown off. For different ways that I can't dive deep into. At least not right now. It's not that I've overstayed my stay, it is the matter of the trapped mentality that you can gain during these uncertain and unsafe times throughout the world. This, for me, is the first time I'm being tested as Roy Lucian. I feel like I've done a miserable job at handling it, but it is only my first time. This is the first year of being my truest self. It is going to take time to understand my strengths and what I can handle. The boy that I used to be, he had so many battles to fight. When I laid DB to rest, his demons fell onto my shoulders. I'm still learning how to fight them, this time as my truest self. It is a learning process that I must continue to hone in and adjust to. Regardless of my brokenness that I feel inside, I will not let that overshadow the beautiful moments that occurred in between Corona and the tests god has been giving lately. I got up off of that sidewalk, sure I was injured, but I got up and found a way to live a life. The keywords are "FOUND A WAY". I must find a way during these uncertain times, there is always a way, it's just a little more of an uncertain challenge due to the world around me. I refuse to let the negativity cloud the hope that is still somewhere within me. The last year has not been bad, 2020 is not bad a year, it is just a challenging year, but it is a challenge I must continue learning to face, head-on. I am forever grateful for the last year of my life. As much I still grieve the mess that some of it became, out of the mess, the clearest thoughts from my head were born. I am so thankful that they did. I woke up that day, thinking I was just going to go for a run. I ended the day in the hospital with a broken mind, but open eyes. If that wasn't a true eye-opener that life is short, then I don't know what is. I look forward to the day that I find out the answer to all of this. I couldn't have made it to this day, a year later, if it wasn't for my family. So thank you, Mom & Dad, our boys, Robbie, and T. Courtney, Dash, Dan, Gio, Chrissy, Jamie, Braeden, Steven, Danny, Jenny, Anthony, Julio, and Jes. Jeudy, Jacob, and Dom. Auntie Mom, Mama Nell, Nellie, Josh, Lolie, & Tommy... and everyone else who has entered my life. Thank you for the new memories that will stick with me for life.  I can't wait to see who and what else comes along in the year to come.  I'm thankful to stand here at the exact spot where I laid to rest who I used to be, but continue to rise into who I choose to be. 

Dear readers,
​The last few days have been the most mentally challenging days I have gone through in a while. To actually be sitting here putting these thoughts in my head out on to the paper, it is a weird feeling. My family and I have been smack in the middle of the California wildfires. The last week has been rough, to say the least. My mind is all over the place. As I said last week, I wasn't feeling right. I was just getting control of myself, then this wildfire started and it threw me for a loop. Never in my life have I had to pack a bag so quickly for my safety. Never in my life have I seen people flee their homes in a situation that is straight out of a movie scene. Never in my life have I seen smoke and fires in the way I have seen them over the last few days. Never in my life did I think my strength would be tested the way god has tested me this last week, and we all know I've been through a lot of his tests already. The fires were one thing, but the mental space I had to enter was another. I can't really elaborate... you have to wait for my album to eventually release. I tell that part of my story within it. With that aside, this fire caused as much damage in my mind, as it did my surroundings. The hurt I have felt has caused me to feel so lost in a space that I hate having to revisit and renter. When you are a victim of mass hurt, that pain may settle and you may move forward, but damn, it still remains. I would have been much more lost than my current state if it wasn't for my siblings. Damn, they really were here for me, and still are here for me. I won't name names, but they know who they are. I hate feeling so worthless and empty, but I hate that I have to say this, it be like that sometimes. We have no choice but to continue working to conquer the demons we fight within. It is the only way for us to survive. Fighters learn to adapt and learn to find the strength they need. I know I have and will find a way to get a grip on my mentality once again. These are truly scary times. I feared for my life when I was packing my bags. I feared for my boys, who were screaming and crying because they were scared of the world around them. This kind of fear is not something children should have to bear. The fear of the disaster around us was traumatizing, added with the state of mind I am in, it is just a prison. All of this somehow decided to happen one week before the 1st anniversary of the day I got hit by the car. This is the same mental hell I was in 1 year ago. It is a scary place to be, yet, somehow, I find my way. I always find my way. I just hope that I can find it, sooner, rather than later. As I have continuously said, life is hard, it is scary, but it is up to us to control these uncertain challenges that we are faced with. As of right now, there is currently a lightning and thunderstorm outside, with no rain. I have never seen anything like this. This is the reason why these wildfires are starting up all over the place. I'm genuinely scared. I hate that I have to feel this way after I have made so much progress over the last year. So much good has come and I won't let this current situation and feelings that I have, overshadow that. But, I also will not push away the fact that my mind is not in the right state. It's going to take me a second to fully gain control of myself again. I'll take all the time that I need. These feelings, as much as I would like them to, they can't be rushed out of my system. I have to feel what I have to feel. 

Dear readers, 
Life takes you on a journey, on a ride, and sometimes life puts it all at a standstill so you can closely evaluate your thoughts and actions. I think I've made it pretty clear that I go through phases with mental health. Especially after I got hit by the car last year. Anxiety and PTSD, are a true bitch. With the bitchiness to the max pushed aside, I feel like I have learned to not only live with it, but I've learned how to handle it. However, I am human and on some days it just gets so hard to control. I've been going through those kinds of days recently. I have been so stressed trying to find someone to produce my album and overwhelmed, making myself feel short on time, for a deadline that I gave myself. I should know better, living in the world of this pandemic, it is not easy to do things that were once so simple. I feel like I have had multiple voices breathing down on me and making me feel a level of desperation, that I don't need to stoop down to. I would love to be back in New York or driving around the 405 in my Honda CRV. But, life is not that simple to just pick up and do that with the current situation we are all in. On top of that, I think people forget that I have my health problems. From my Glaucoma to my newfound Arthritis. I can't afford to be desperate and rush myself. I'm never going to get the end result that I want by being desperate. I work hard and from my hard work, I expect quality and nothing less. Trash is never an option. I can see and I have been told so much shit recently, and nearly 14 years into my career, I can not let opinions from other people try to throw me off track. They can judge me for staying in and staying safe amid a pandemic, that they choose not to think about. But, I will not sit here and make myself feel bad about choosing to do things one at a time. New York, I know people are judging me for being away this long to stay safe. YOU ARE NOT IN MY SHOES. YOU DO NOT HAVE MY ILLNESSES. I am NOT going to rush back to live a life that I know is not possible to live to the fullest during the age of Corona. I am choosing to be patient and trusting the universe that I will fall right back into the place where I last left off. When the times come for that, I will know. I have been living in my mind for the last few weeks. My mind is not the place where I want to reside in. Living in your mind can take you to places that are hard to turn away from. I am choosing to breathe and carefully find what I need during this time in my life. Corona has thrown a major wrench at my overall plans, even bleeding into 2021. Even as life tries to throw me off track, I know in my heart, I will find what I need. I may not find it today, or tomorrow, or this week, but I know I'm close to it. I'm closer than I've ever been. People think I'm doing nothing during this quarantine. But, I'm sitting here researching and trying to find ways to bring my truth and my story to life. I choose to bring them to life to their fullest capacity, I will not accept anything less. I will not reach a level where I am desperate to do things I wouldn't normally do. It's going to happen. Now that I feel like I have control of my mind again, I am going to make it happen. It may not be in the exact way that I want it, but it will be in a way that I am proud of. Ain't it something how things go around in circles. You go through it once and comes around differently. Yet, we always find a way to figure this shit out. I always find a way, and I know will find that way with patience.

Love, Roy

Photographer: RL BAZA

What I'm Wearing: Shirt - Neff. Pants & Socks - Uniqlo, Shoes - Converse 

Dear readers,
I have spent 2 weeks away from this diary of mine. This is honestly the longest I have gone without writing in here. I needed a break though. I was so occupied with LTMBYG and honestly, it was so refreshing. Talking about music makes me happy. It keeps me sane and at peace with myself. As promo began winding down, I knew I would have to return here and recap my feelings. If I'm being honest, I now feel kinda off. I'm in one of those moods where I'm just feeling feels a little harder than usual. I always say we all feel kinda weird sometimes. Because it is true, we do. Somedays feel just right and days like today, feel off. We are caught in the middle of our inner feelings. Sometimes we just don't know how to feel. Right now, I just don't know how to feel. I feel alone, I feel stressed, I feel overwhelmed. I'm stressed and overwhelmed because I literally can't find anyone to make this album. There is no one near this area to bring justice to my words and stories. It is so frustrating for me because I am ready to get to work and let these feeling out of me. I see everyone else finding the right people for their projects, meanwhile, I'm just stuck. I also think it is hitting me that I feel alone. I haven't seen anyone since I left New York in March. I see my brothers moving forward with their lives and careers because it is safe to do so over there. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy for them, I just feel like I'm getting left behind. I hate that feeling. You know, I slept at 10p m last night and woke up at 5 am this morning. I didn't eat yesterday. I had no appetite because I just feel off. Quarantine can do wonders for your inner strength but it can also mess with your mentality. I know that I am slipping. I can feel it. I'm glad that I know when I feel off though. It gives me a chance to get a grip on the issues before I let it slide deeper than I should let it. That is why I am writing in here. This is one of the first steps for me. Wiring down my feelings and letting them out is me confronting them head-on. It's coming up on a year since I got hit by the car. When that happened my whole mind and soul shifted for the better. I have worked hard to keep that shift going within everything that I do. I have a lot to say about that as we get closer to that date. Anyways, right now I'm caught in the middle trying to get a grip of myself. I know I will, I know I will take control of the driver's seat that I control. Our minds are an expansive world, but it can also be a prison if we choose to let it be, I will not let that happen. It's normal to be caught in the middle, we just have to make sure we don't stay there. Forward always, no matter how we feel. 

​Love, Roy