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CHAPTER 4: The Times They Are A-Changing Entry #39 & Entry #40: "Still My Guide" Parts 1 & 2
Dear readers, There is power in owning your words, your stories, your ideas, and your feelings. By doing so you are owning your worth. I think that I've made that clear within what I have written so far in this diary. For a while, I did not feel that way within my music career. The hard truth of it all, my music wasn't allowed on certain streaming services because of rights and so on so forth. Yet, I wrote each of my songs. I am the sole writer. My songs are my stories. Within them are my words and those words live in a world that I created. Yet, I wasn't able to have them out in the world, when they were already out there once before. Even with the roadblock that was causing these annoying issues, I still believed there was a way to get them back out into the world. Sure enough, I found a way earlier this year. It took a few months, but those months have passed and finally, at least one of my old albums is back out into the world. If I'm being honest, this album was the most important one. It was the album that I felt needed to be released again. So, it worked out in the end. My 2nd album, Let The Music Be Your Guide, has officially been re-released. I pushed for this album to be put back out into the world because I believe that this album and the messages within it are still relevant and I believe that it can still help people. There are issues and topics that I covered within my songs on that album, those issues are still prominent in today's world. I always believed in my work. I still believe there is power in what you create. Beyond that, there is magic within that power. You either choose to let that magic shine or contain it and never let it fly. I wrote, "Let The Music Be Your Guide" as a piece of work that was and still is meant to shine, long after I leave this earth. Writing LTMBYG is forever one of my proudest accomplishments. Some people might find it weird that I chose to re-drop an album released 6 years ago, but when the messages are still clear as day, it would be a total waste to a piece of work that had so much love and thought put into it. LTMBYG never got its time to shine. By the time the album was released, we were unaware that I was going to get diagnosed with Glaucoma. We didn't know how bad things were going to get. Obviously, things got worst. When they did, I never got to properly promote LTMBYG. It just sat there collecting dust. I wish we could have done that differently. I wish the way things went down, didn't happen in that way. But they did, and I feel like anyone who worked on that album and played around in the world that I created, I feel like we are all still reeling from the loss that my illness caused. It's not my fault that I got sick. It just sucks that LTMBYG was the main casualty of it all. As the years have gone by I have sat with this album and continued thinking that there has to be a way to give it the life that it deserves. I know that by writing and releasing a new album would be the main way to do that. But, I also know that I'm basically a new artist now. When I first released LTMBYG, I was not "Roydom Lucian" or "Roy Lucian. I had another name, I had another persona. Since I parted with that name and persona, there has been no piece of work released as my truest self. LTMBYG however, that is my truest self. I may not write that kind of music anymore, but the messages and things that I stand for, all of that are still at the forefront of my beating heart. As a new artist, I have to build from the bottom up. I need to build an audience and expand upon the few members of my previous audience who decided to stay to watch me step into my shoes, as Roy. What better way to begin planting those seeds. I already had this well-watered soil in the treasure chest of my heart and the hard drive of my mac book. I might as well plant some seeds and let it grow. That way by the time my first piece of work releases out into the world, my old timeless creations will have made a space for the new magic I'm creating. If you think about it, it's a business win. It gives people something to look forward to, but it also serves up that nostalgic factor. For me personally, I'm just glad that I can begin to get people familiarized with my name and what I stand for. The next time people hear music from me, it may not sound like this, but at the core of it all, it's still the same soul, just grown.
I wrote LTMBYG when I was 17 living alone in LA. I feel like that time in my life is forever saved in a time capsule. Everything went by so quickly, it honestly still feels like it all could have been yesterday. As a songwriter, I continued to progress as the days went on and I adjusted to being alone in this big world. I was growing because I was just a fresh-faced early high school grad, all alone in a world that I have never stepped foot in alone. When we made LTMBYG I was at that age where I wanted to cater to older audiences, but at the same time, I still had a baby face that could sell music to teenagers. I had to find a way to cater to both of those audiences. I couldn't just flat out say, hey I want to kiss this guy or fuck this, or this was my sexual experience. None of that was allowed because of the younger audience that was honestly invested in me at the time. I can't say I didn't disagree with that. I 100% understood that. But at the same time, I needed to find a way to drop some hints about what I was feeling. As a writer, that pushed me. I accepted that challenge, and I think that is what makes LTMBYG so special. Because if you break down all my lyrics, if you listen closely and envision the world that I created, you can see what I'm trying to say. In the song LTMBYG, I talk about equality. Not just for the LGBTQ community, but for all races done wrong by society. In "Finally Me" I talk about body and soul empowerment while owning up to your inner sexual feelings coming to life on the outside. In "Inside & Out", I talk about my personal experience with bullying and weight issues, but expanding up those feelings into the modern world and how relevant those problems are. I found ways to say what I wanted to say, without really saying them at all. It is sadly frowned upon when young people, especially young people of color want to step forward and speak their minds, only to be met with backlash. My team didn't want me to have to forego hatred for the things that I wanted to stand for. I understood that. Still, I had to find a way to talk about what mattered to me. I did, and that's the magic behind this album. I think that is why anyone that has listened to it, has related to it. That magic doesn't just die, it stays alive within those songs. In the time of Corona, the world needs a little more magic in their life. I had this magic sitting here waiting to be released back out into the world. Now it is. Now my 17-year-old self can resume walking on the path that was broken to pieces when I got sick. I've been patching it up ever since. I still am patching it up, but sometimes the broken road leads you to something more. That is what I hope my broken road will do for me. LTMBYG is forever one of the greatest experiences I have had in my life. I love it so much that I wasn't about to let it sit there and be remembered as nothing less than it should. I hope that now that it is back out into the world, it gets the establishment it has been craving for the last 6 years. I hope that in a world where these messages are needed, I hope that these songs are embraced in the way I always wanted them to be. I hope that it leaves people wanting more, so that way by the time they get new music from my adult-self, they will embrace it with the fact that the guy who stands for these issues and inner self-worth, made it all happen. My heart is so full knowing that these songs are back out into the world where they belong. I will always fight for what is mine. These songs are mine and I'm glad to fully have them back in my possession. I'm glad that I can leave a little room, so that way people can feel that they have a piece of themselves within them as well. At least I hope they feel that way. There is a lyric in LTMBYG. I think it forever establishes what I stand for and what I believe in... "Be yourself, live your life, you know its okay, every little thing is going to be alright". In these uncertain times that we are living in, people can easily forget that. I hope that this will forever be some sort of reminder for them. Because look at the outcome of this so far. My songs are back out into the world. They are now being planted for something so much more. Truly, no matter how bad it may get, every little thing is gonna be alright.
Love, Roy
Photographer: RL BAZA What I'm Wearing: Outfit one - Blazer - Vintage Find. Shirt - Vintage Find. Pants - Uniqlo Outfit two - Shirt - Merona, Suit Pants - Express. Shoes - Vans CHAPTER 4: The Times They Are A-Changing Entry #38: "What The Hell Am I Doing Here" 
Dear readers,
Life in quarantine has its moments. All you can do is try your best to keep level headed. That in itself is a challenge on some days. Being anxious is something that I think we all have been experiencing some form of every now and then. It is not a feeling that we want to feel. Yet, we have to deal with it head-on. I'm not going to lie and say some days I don't feel that way. I've been having more nightmares lately. I find myself losing more sleep. Over the past week, I have fallen asleep at 2 am. It feels like I'm living within the lyrics of one of my songs. I'm anxious. Not because of Corona. I'm just anxious, because more than anything, I really want to find a way to get to work. Being a social influencer is now a thing of the past. I'll get deeper into that later. But while it is fresh on my mind, I feel like that job title is becoming more and more extinct as the days go on. Barely any collabs are being handed out because of the current state of the world. In a way, it kind of worked out in my favor. I've been planting the seeds to step away from that world. I just want to get back to the music. That is the world I have always belonged in. I'm frustrated because I have a whole album written and I'm stuck because of this virus that continues to spread around me. I have found no producer and no studio to work in. I have been becoming more vocal about the music I have written, because I feel more than ever, that it is time for it to release out into the world. I haven't made an album in 7 years. I feel like it is way past time for me to return. The world I have created within the songs I have written, right now, more than ever, I feel that they can help so many people through these uncertain times. My music is the thing that calms me, but it also causes me to be anxious, because I don't know how to navigate these waters I was thrown into, just like everyone else. I'm trying my best to find a way to get this done and get it done safely. If I was in New York, I 100% think this album would already be near the finish line. My original plan was to record the album in LA, but that is just not possible with the Corona Virus rising to all-time highs. I'm going to have to go back home to New York eventually. This album needs to have some sort of visual presentation there. As I said, I have created a world within the songs I have written. New York is very much apart of that world. Before I even cross that line to visually showcase the words I have written, I would like to vocally get them out of me. I don't know how I'm going to do that. This is one of the most interesting challenges I have been faced with. I've faced many roadblocks, but this one here is mentally challenging me to find a way to do something out of the box. I really hope I can find someone to create this music with. I wish I could produce music. If I knew how, and if I had the right equipment, I would have been recording this album since we got locked away. Since I don't know how I have to find someone willing to work with me during this pandemic. That in itself is a risk, but it is a risk I'm looking to take safely. I hope I find someone willing to take that risk with me. I'm in the Bay Area and it is actually a lot harder to find someone good to work with to make this album. I need someone who is going to understand my stories and the overall world I have created. I don't want someone who is going to barely contribute to the richness and value of my words. It seems to me no one knows anyone that is worthy of that. I wish they did. I hope I find them soon, so I can breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that I'll finally be able to let these stories and the world I have built within me, come to life. Life is questionable, we ask ourselves why we are in these situations. I guess that brings us back to life wanting us to find a way. Life is about finding a way to make things possible. Even in times when it is not clear, I know there is some pathway for me to swim to shore safely and figure out a way to let whatever I have to say come to shore along with me. Hopefully, the pathway will show itself in the uncertain new world of COVID-19. Love, Roy Photographer: RL BAZA What I'm Wearing: Shirt - Nat Geo, Jeans - Levis CHAPTER 4: The Times They Are A-Changing Entry #37: "Sometimes" 
Dear readers,
Happy Liberation Day! I'm pretty sure half of you don't know what the hell I am talking about, lol. It is an independence day for our home island of Guam. Yes, we have our own independence day. It falls every year on July 21st. Growing up our "4th of July celebrations were really just for Liberation Day. I think some people forget that my family is from Guam and that I am Chamorro because I don't really publicly speak out about it. It's not that I try to hide where I am from, it's not that I try to hide my heritage. It's just not a big deal for me to feel the need to speak out 24/7 about my heritage. That doesn't mean I am ashamed of where my family comes from. I think one of my greatest inner strengths is the fact that I was raised in a Chamorro household. That side of me is a whole other side, that only my family from Guam can understand. I get a lot of flack from people back on the island because I don't act like them or write and perform their kind of music. I guess I'm too "American" for them now. That is far from the truth. If they knew me personally they would know my parents talk to us in Chamorro and we understand what is being said. If they knew me, then they would know I actually do listen to their music, and I respect it because I grew up in a household where my dad plays the Guam radio every day and my mom sings the lyrics out proudly. Not every Chamorro has to act like they are on the island all the time. My parents raised us to be what we want to be. I may not show it, but I have never lost the Guamanian side of myself. It is always in me wherever I am in the world. I am proud of it. I am proud to have been raised by a Chamorro mother and father who were born and raised on our island. That is why when Liberation Day comes around, I speak up. I celebrate our freedom. Because I know in another timeline, that freedom may not even have been possible. If it wasn't possible, then I wouldn't be sitting here today writing about my heritage and origin. I know some people in the Chamorro community will always see me as the chubby golden boy. Some of them may know me as another name. I may not have that name anymore, and I may not be the chubby golden boy, but I'd be lying if I said a part is not still inside of me. I am so lucky to have these special memories that will stick with me for life. I hope that when it is once again safe, I'll be able to continue making those memories and finding settle ways for me to let my heritage and upbringing shine through. Although this is not the normal Liberation Day we are used to, I'm glad we are all safe and here to celebrate our freedom, in some shape or form. In a world where freedom takes on a different definition now, I'm grateful the people of our island get to have some sort of it, especially when freedom is not something the United States takes seriously. I may be vegan. I may be an alt boy. I may have the city within my blood. But, I'll always have the beach within the island boy in me. Happy Liberation Day! Biba Guam! Love, Roy Photographer: RL BAZA What I'm Wearing: Shirt - H&M, Jeans - Levis CHAPTER 4: The Times They Are A-Changing Entry #36: "Mood 4 Eva"  Dear readers, Clearly, I have been living in my 90's bubble watching anything and everything from my childhood. Since we can't physically go out into the world at the moment to explore, I have turned to my childhood to build upon my adulthood thoughts. That may sound weird, but it works. It has been the only thing keeping me sane during this weird time. There is something about the magic of Disney. Disney has always been here for me. For any form of inspiration that I need, they always have something to inspire me within their large and vast catalog. I'm not a modern dude. I may live in a modern world with streaming and Disney+, but I still use cassette tapes, boom boxes, blu rays, all forms of physical media. Physical media is a comfort for me. As much I have been striving to seek discomfort, it's nice to have physical media to center my mind and bring me back to simpler times. As we head into mid-July, I'm trying my best to stay centered. The last few months have not been ideal, from quarantine to being stuck in Northern California, to the sinus and ear infections that prolonged for way too long. I'm trying to refocus and get that mood back that I loved. It's hard, trying to get into a good mood when everything is crashing around you. That's why I take time to just let myself get into the mindset of my childhood. There was something so special about the little moments. Those little moments will help tide me over until it is the right time to live a more full life outside of quarantine. I must try to remain unbothered by judgments made around me. Put it in one ear and out the other. Being locked away and away from the life I was just stepping into, I know some people can be heavily judgmental about all of it. It sucks, but I'm so far beyond that. I must remain in a mood that will continue to launch me into something better. People can think I haven't been productive, they can think that I just stay in and watch Disney movies, eat Vegan food, and workout, but I'm more than that. Those things help me to do what I need to do so mentality can be in tip-top shape. It can be hard staying sane during these uncertain times, but we have to try. We are here for a greater purpose. Some days are harder. You and I both know that. What we do to change that, that's our business. No one needs to understand that. It's just for us, and that's how it should be. Love, Roy  Photographer: RL BAZA
What I'm Wearing: Sweater - H&M, Pants - Uniqlo  CHAPTER 4: The Times They Are A-Changing Entry #35: "Time Moves On"
 I am dying to make my new album. It's just hard with Corona spreading and evolving everywhere. It is frustrating, but I can't see the future. Time just moves on, so I gotta make sure I'm keeping up with time so that I can fit myself into the right narrative when the time is right. It's okay to feel down, I hope that everyone knows that. It's okay to not be okay. But it is also okay, to push yourself to do something more. Sometimes we lose someone and we lose apart of ourselves. They would not want us to just stay put. We have to move forward, that's all we can do, as time moves on.
Love, Roy Photographer: RL BAZA What I'm Wearing: Shirt - Merona, Suit Pants - Express, Shoes - Converse, Hat - H&M  CHAPTER 4: The Times They Are A-Changing Entry #34: "Catching Vibes"
Dear readers,
Well, we made it halfway through this weird-ass year. I'm not going to say 2020 is a bad year. Stop saying that. It's not bad. It's simply an eye-opener for people who were not seeing straight. Don't like that, then tough love. We can't always get what we want. We just have to continue to find ways to re-adapt. As I begin to feel more like myself after spending 2 months in agony with sinus and ear infections, I'm ready to catch some vibes again. When quarantine started, I was a whole mood. I'm ready to bring that mood back into my life after completing my 100 days of sweat. Being back in California has brought out something in me. I guess mixed with my New York persona, I have created yet another evolution of myself. Even when I was not feeling 100, I was craving the early quarantine vibes that were pouring out of my soul. In this weird state of the world, I need to have some balance. Of course, I'm still in the fight for the greater good for my health and injustice in this world, and also the safety of the country. Corona is still alive and rising. It would be calming down, but people still continue to not take this seriously. I swear, I passed by a restaurant and it was so PACKED. No social distancing whatsoever. Sadly, it has come to this. I just continue to do my best to stay away from these places. After getting that Corona test and seeing those people, that is a no for me. I've been writing a lot lately. Since I haven't been able to properly sing for 2 months, everything that I have been wanting to say is finally coming to the surface. As for this diary of mine. I just want some good vibes after these last few interesting months. I hope that I find more ways to empower myself, and therefore empower more of the people who virtually surround me. People gravitate towards the way you present yourself. I've been presenting myself in a certain way and I think that it's making me more well rounded. I finally feel as if I am becoming a whole person. The person that I set out to be when the year started. Unbeknown to myself, I didn't know what kind of vibe I was looking for. It took locking myself up to stay safe from this virus, to finally see bits and pieces of what I want myself to be when the time comes to rise up around people outside of a virtual world. Love, Roy Photographer: RL BAZA What I'm Wearing: Shirt & Shorts - H&M, Flannel - Converse, Shoes - Madewell, Hat - UCLA |
