Dear readers,
The time has come to say farewell.. for now. I'm sitting here in this emptiness that is JFK. It looks like a literal ghost town. It feels creepy here. I never in my life thought I would say, I can't wait to leave NYC to go somewhere safer. Even though I loathe where my parents live, It is 100% the safer option until it is safe again. I didn't want to wake up this morning. I got up around 5 am. I didn't get home until 2 am. I wasn't able to sleep well. I couldn't stop crying. This is not an easy decision for me to pick up and leave like this. I just got a new place to stay and I had to terminate that because I honestly don't know when I can return to New York. I had to go drop off the boxes of my things to UPS because I wasn't about to leave most of it here. I left behind a good amount though. I don't know how long I'll be away, so at least I won't be paying rent for my things. I might as well take it with me. If you see what I'm seeing right now at this airport, it looks bad. You know, I don't even think the boys thought that last night would be our last normal night for a long time. Because that is what it looks like right now. Pushing all this weirdness of the rising Corona Virus aside, I have these thoughts that I wrote down in Central Park last week. I went there to clear my mind and solidify my decision to leave New York, for now. After all, Central Park was where I started to write in this diary of mine. It is only fitting that I went back to make this sudden, but crucial life decision. 

I moved to New York to find my 2nd chance to do it all right. Do I feel like I have found what I have been looking for? No. I feel like I have found something more. I don't feel like I have found my 2nd chance, because I'm already living out that 2nd chance. For the last 6 years, I wasn't able to live a life. I came here to search for a 2nd chance. It just hit me today, that I don't need to search for someone to give me my 2nd chance to do it all right. I am the one giving myself that 2nd chance. New York has thought me, that we hold the power within ourselves to decide if we choose to move forward. Yes, New York is like a fairytale. But no Prince or Princess is going to save the day. We have to be our own royalty. No one is going to hand out a 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and so on, chance to us. We have to create that for ourselves. I feel that I was given the tools to do so. Those tools being the lessons that I learned from living a life, for the first time in my life. I never lived a life like this. I was never the person to go out late, meet up with friends, play a video game, drink a beer, explore on my own, try new things. When I made a promise to myself to seek discomfort, that is when I gave myself a 2nd chance to do it all right. Now, I see that I was able to do that in New York. Now, I see that I can continue doing that beyond this concrete jungle. This was a test for myself to see if I can tread these waters. Did I pass? Hell yes. I can 100% say that with all the confidence in my bones. I now know that I can survive and continue to re-adapt to my surroundings, long after I walk away from this city where dreams are made of. ​

I want to make it clear, just because I am leaving, for now, doesn't mean I am leaving forever. When we say goodbye, there is some sort of finality. Nowadays, there are reboots and sequels, even to fairytales. I'm not the only one leaving New York. Weirdly, we are all leaving the lives we have grown to know. As I take in all the last bit of happiness that the world has at this moment, I really wish I could tell them, it's not going to leave your soul. Just because we have to leave the life we have grown to know and love, doesn't mean we will say goodbye to it forever. What you get in return, is something so much more. As we all step away from the world, I hope everyone continues to dream, and dream larger than they ever have. It is important to protect the happiness that we feel in our hearts. We need to dream bigger, because the world needs us dreamers to keep believing, even in the times of uncertainty. We need to keep loving because love is what will get us through to the next phase of our lives. I know it will seem hard to do, but, you can't let your thoughts drown yourself into hate. I've done that before, it doesn't work. Try your best to accept what is given and make it work. Because once you give yourself that chance, the possibilities are endless. ​

Dear readers,
Today was my last complete day here in NYC. The whole city has been clearing out and going into self-isolation. I'm clearing out along with them. I am leaving back to California tomorrow evening. How the hell did this happen so quickly? I think I will always ask myself that question. I'm writing these thoughts down on my subway ride home to Brooklyn. My last ride for a while. Tonight we had a going away dinner for me at Urban Vegan. I'm so glad the family that I have become apart of, could make it out tonight. This is surreal for me. I'm so used to seeing them every day. Now that won't be the case for a while. I don't know how this whole quarantine thing is going to work, but I'm pretty sure that means none of us can travel back and forth after this week. I can't come back to New York for a long time, and the boys can't join me in California for a while. I have had to mentally prepare myself to say goodbye to New York and the family that I now have here. I met up with Chris earlier than everyone else. We went around and bought some souvenirs for everyone back home in California.

​After that, we met up with Gio. Gio wasn't able to make it to my dinner, but, I couldn't leave without saying goodbye to him. I have grown close to that dude. He has become my brother. I admire Gio for his talent, kindness, humor, and drive. I always have praised him and that will never change. I can't stress this enough, but, I'm so glad I became close to him. When I think of Gio I always think of 2 songs. "Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You" by Lauryn Hill, and "New York, New York" by Frank Sinatra. The first song I don't even know if he knows this, but he sings it a lot, lol. I remember we were in Think Coffee and he just started singing along to it. I'll never forget it. It's been stuck in my head ever since. Anyways, it is the little moments like that, when I'm not feeling myself, I'll think of times like that. Then the 2nd song. I remember we were both having this long convo about different things. Mainly the changes that were occurring in our lives. He told me ya know that song, "New York, New York", with the line, if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. At that moment, he gave me the little recharge that my life needed. Things like that, I'll always keep with me, wherever I go. I hate that I have to say goodbye right now. Gio and I were going to go bike riding over the summer. That obviously can not happen now because of what is going on in the world. Hopefully one day, we can make that happen, when it is safe to do so. Gio, thank you, brother. Thank you for accepting me and making me feel comfortable. Thank you for our deep convos and mad laughs. We'll go for that bike ride one day, soon. I'll see you when I can, I love you, bro... After we parted, Chris and I walked the empty streets of the west village and headed to Urban Vegan. We were so lucky that Urban was still open for sit down dining. Most restaurants had abruptly stopped their sit down dining because of the fast-rising COVID-19.

Dear readers,
Tomorrow is my last normal day in New York. To think, 3 months ago this wasn't the definition of normal. Now it is. It is so weird to say that. It is a privilege I am now blessed for. If I were to make you a map of places that the boys and I hang out, Washington Square Park and West 4th street would be at the center of it all. It is only fitting that I got to walk around this park and this whole area that I cherish, one more time before I leave on Monday. I wanted to spend some time with Chris before I go. I don't think it hit me until now, but, Chris is my right hand here in NYC. He's like my little brother/son. I know that may be weird, but I see Chris in that way. He weirdly is like my son. I am very grateful to have had him by my side as the story of my life unfolded here in New York. To have him here as I wrap up this chapter is only fitting. I don't think he, along with the boys, will ever understand how much they all mean to me. I don't think they will ever understand how much it hurts to let them go, even if it is for a second in time. As we went for a long walk, I looked around at everyone and everything. I know this will be the last time that I see this city like this, filled with people and dreamers proudly and publicly, creating and expressing themselves in every way, at least for a while. I came here because of my dreams. My dreams that I know I am more than capable of making become a reality. Now, I'm leaving to keep that dream alive. I came to New York for my dreams and now I have to leave to protect those dreams. That is something I never thought I would say. Us dreamers, we create art with the hope of building a world that is larger than life. We create to contribute to a world that needs something larger than life. New York is a city filled with dreams that are larger than life at every corner. I still and always will believe that. I'm not abandoning my life here. I'm preserving it so that I have a life to return to, whenever the time is right. When the quarantine is over and we are all let out of shelters, I will not be returning to New York right away.

Dear readers,
I'm all packed now. I set aside everything that I'm taking back to California and left some things in boxes so the boys can take care of it for me, until whenever the heck I can return. It's weird. It doesn't feel real. I don't think it will hit me until I say goodbye to them on Sunday. Tomorrow I am going to spend some time with Chris and go over some things. I feel like I am leaving the boys with a part of myself. I know that part of myself will be taken care of while I am away. I think by now it is pretty clear, I won't be returning to NYC first. I gotta go somewhere else before I step foot in the big apple again. We will talk about that tomorrow. Not right now. Mom and dad have been resting a lot. This whole trip has drained them. It has been a whirlwind for us. We did not think this would happen like this. In a way, I am very lucky it did. God knew it was always meant to be this way. I just never saw it coming. I snuck out while they rested. I got on the subway and headed to Union Square. I come here a lot to think. I walk through the farmer's market and grab a vegan muffin, then I go do work at the book shop. It is my usual routine. Today will be my last day doing that for a while. In a way, it is kind of good that I am by myself today, because I can have these much needed inner conversations that I need to have to prep myself for some time away from the life I have known for the last 3 months. There is this beautiful view of everything from Burlington Coat Factory. I know that location is so random, but, it's true. I headed to Burlington to see that view, one more time before I leave. It is not the ideal place for a view of everything, but, it was the first place I found a city view for myself when I first visited New York last year. I came to New York, a year ago, as of next week. Isn't that something. I'm leaving New York, one year after I first arrived to visit. This view is like the mountain top after a victory of sorts. I stand up here and see all that I have been able to accomplish over the last year. Not many people will get to say they have been able to complete what I have completed. 

Dear readers, 
You would think it would be easier to get a plane ticket out of NYC because no one wants to be traveling right now... WRONG. I couldn't even get through to the Jet Blue customer service line. It was so bad that we just physically got up and went to the airport to see if they could change my parent's flight and get me a ticket as well. When we arrived there weren't that many people, but the service desk had a long line. By the time we got there, the lady didn't want to change our flight. She was just lazy. Luckily, mom was there. If you know my mom, you already know she is so straight forward. Not only were we able to change their flight and get me a ticket, but Jet Blue even gave me my eventual return flight for free. That gives me comfort knowing that my return to NYC is set, for whenever the heck it will be safe to return. Thank god for mom and her savage ways, otherwise, we would be stuck in NYC for a long time. I don't want us here for the crossfire when this Corona Virus lights up and burns everything down. Trust me, it is about to. I was already starving after not getting a chance to eat all morning. We didn't have time. I was already tight on time because I had to make it to Times Square for my last rehearsal with Jacob and Chris. I know that I won't be with my band for a long time... but, we already had this rehearsal scheduled. The least we could do was go and jam out for one last hurrah of sorts. I've never been into this studio. It is literally in Times Square. I guess in some weird way, I can cross performing in Times Square off my bucket list. It looks like I won't be able to say goodbye to the other boys. Everyone is sick, minus Dan. I have a keyboardist now.. or should I say had? I am not going to be here for a while. Either way, Dan joined the band while I was away. I'll get to see him at my going-away dinner on Sunday. Jacob made it to the rehearsal studio early. This will be the last time I see him for a while.