Dear readers, 
Is it me or are the days going by faster than ever? Since I got back here, it's been non stop leading me to a finish line. I haven't made up my mind. All I know is, I'm not leaving New York for good... but I am leaving for a little bit. Does that make any sense? My parents see that the Corona Virus is getting worst, so they want me to come back to California with them. It's kinda difficult to just pick up and leave, but, for my safety, and their safety as well, we're gonna see if this is possible. They aren't supposed to leave until next week. If I do decide to go, I don't even have a plane ticket. We have to see if this is possible. If the rona decides to take over, because it looks like it is, then I know I'm gonna have to leave for my safety. However, I can't leave without tying up some loose ends. I still have a crapload of work to do, and I better hustle, because I don't know when I will be able to return home to NYC. I honestly don't know what life away from it will look like. The world around me is getting weird. I better cherish these last few "normal" moments, because I don't know what will become of all this. All of the boys are aware of my desire to pivot my home base from NYC to LA, but they aren't aware I might have to leave within the next few days, because this Corona is about to hit NYC and the USA very hard. I feel like I have had to speed up my thinking process because I need to make sure I get out of here before things become unsafe. It's weird having to think that way. I'm not thinking about my career and the opportunity that I can't pass up in LA. I'm thinking about surviving the next few months. I don't know, it is all scary. This whole thing is scary. When I said I'm ready to "seek discomfort", I didn't think that would make the whole world have to be out of their comfort zone as well. I just got to this new place. We just moved in everything. I'm not gonna even bother unpacking. I'm just gonna leave things with the boys to keep safe for me. Then I will take them with me when I eventually return. 

Dear readers,
Welcome back to NYC. Well, it's still mad brick. I hear it's been warm, but I arrived to the wind, rain, and pure brick weather. After I landed, I literally got off the plane and had to find a new place to live. That was a headache of an experience. I did not like it at all. These people in New York are all about business, and honestly half of the businessmen are liars. I'm sick of dealing with them... So I had to go another route. I'm staying somewhere else right now. Is it ideal? No. Is it forever? No. It was a quick decision that I had to make, but I made it, and at least I'll have a roof over my head. My parents came along with me to help me move my things. They are still here and will be here for another week and a half. Where I'm now living is really temporary, so it will basically just be a storage unit for me. I'm glad my mom and dad got to come out to New York and help me figure out what kinda home that I need in my life. They hated the place where I had been living. They were not fans of it at all. In fact when we arrived my mom said it looks like the "slumps", lol. Now she gets why I never hang out in my neighborhood, haha. I say that this is temporary because I'm really weighing out the decision to move to LA, a year earlier than I expected... I know it's crazy. It's a crazy thought that has been keeping me awake for the last few days... But it's seriously something I am considering. I haven't made up my mind, I need to talk with my brothers first. There are pros and cons to all of this, and I want to know what they think of this crazy idea. It's been 3 weeks since I've seen everyone. Seeing Chris and Julio felt like no time had passed. I haven't seen the rest of the boys, but I will soon. I brought up this idea to them. I talked about it with my parents, and they shockingly 100% support me with it. They told me to tell the boys, and see what they say. I don't need their approval, but I wanted their opinion. I wanted to know how they would feel if I suddenly left NYC so quickly.

 Both of them paused, but, they understood why I have the sudden urge and need to do this. I won't be leaving right away, but, If I want to follow through with this, we need to start laying the groundwork. With all this madness going on regarding the Coronavirus, I won't be performing. So I've had to make the difficult decision to put a pause on my band. I got a chance to talk to my band about this idea. Listen, I would really love to take them with me to LA. They can come with me if they want to. But, I know this is too soon for them. I know they wouldn't want to rush out of here. They have families too, and I wouldn't want to flip their world around so quickly. Everyone agrees though, I am most defiantly not rushing out of here. I just feel ready for more. Going back to California showed me that the first 3 months that I spent in New York shaped me into something more. That something more is ready to shine in a light that NYC can't offer right now. Then again, LA is most defiantly about to be under quarantine, so when it's safe I can head over there. As I explained, I'm turning 25 in 2 months. I want to be able to breathe out this tension I'm feeling inside of me. This tension within my soul, that I've felt since I arrived in LA for my layover 3 weeks ago. Chris, Julio, and the rest of my band members could see that I'm very serious about these thoughts. They all said, they know I am thinking straight. I am, I truly am. I hate that I've had these thoughts, but I honestly feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place, with a moon that shines down on both of them. What the hell do I do about this? I'm not ready to give up the life that I've been living here in NYC, but I am ready to bring it to the home plate, sooner rather than later. Living in New York, time goes by so fast, but it goes by slow enough that you feel you have done so much. I think that is why I feel this way. I don't know, we'll see what happens. I'm just glad I could get these feelings out in the open for everyone to know. I haven't told Jesus yet. I know he won't want me to leave, but I know he will let me if that is what I decide to do. I'll talk to him tomorrow. As I got to the A train with Julio and Chris, I wondered how they felt inside knowing that I have these thoughts. I know they support me because they love me, but I know this will hurt them too. The idea of us parting so early on into this story is not one that I like. But it may be one that we all need. Trust me, it hurts me too, but something in me tells me this is the best thing for all of us. I have that gut feeling that I had when I decided to move to New York... now that same feeling has me wanting to go to the city of stars, more than ever. I have always said, the east coast needs me to be their west coast... maybe god literally wants me to be that for them?...

Love, Roydom Lucian ​

Dear readers,
​It's my last day in California. I won't be back for a little bit. It's weird not living here anymore. It makes me appreciate everything more than I ever did. I got to see most of my family, which makes my heart feel full. We had a bbq last night and everyone but the girls showed up. Courtney and Dash weren't able to make it for their reasons, but I'm glad I got to spend some time with them over the last 2 weeks. I love my sisters, and I hope that they find whatever they are looking for in their world they are creating. It's weird being in vastly different worlds now, but, I root for them, and hope whatever happiness they desire is fulfilled. I got to see my cousins Ang, Lollie, Nellie, Josh, Tommy, and Jenelle (mama nell), along with some of my nephews and nieces. My Auntie Mom also stopped by to be with us. My brothers Braden and Jamie, bless them, even with their busy schedule, they made time to come by and see me off. I also had my baby boys with me. So, my heart feels full from getting the chance to see some of my loved ones before I leave on this flight home to New York. Something about this trip feels different. I know that I am leaving, but it honestly feels like I'm coming back sooner than I anticipated. I don't know, there is just something different. Ever since I felt that breeze blow through my hair, my desire to go to LA is much larger than it originally was. I'm not done in New York yet, but it's almost like NYC is prepping to fly me back to the city of angels, sooner, rather than later. Just a thought.
​Anyways, It was nice to catch up with everyone before I leave them again. My year is not mapped out, so I'm not sure when I will see them again. All I know is, it might be soon. I have this gut feeling that something big will happen. What that is? I don't know yet.

Dear readers,
I can't believe we are already here at the end of my visit. It went by so fast. I didn't think it would, but it did. Walking around reflecting on the last 2 weeks, I'm very grateful for the time that I got to spend with my loved ones. I'm also grateful that I wasn't feeling okay on some days. Because of that, now I will go back to New York and scale things back while continuing to move forward. When I arrived I said that this place no longer felt like home. I stand by that, but as the days have gone on, I have concluded that it is a time capsule of some sort. It has changed without me, but it forever holds this nostalgia feeling. The love that I once had, has spread out, and I can honestly see some of the legacy I left behind here, still being honored in the people that I love, and the lives that I've touched along the way. Getting to strip away some of the layers that I have to wear in New York, has also been refreshing. I literally have to stay warm in this cold world, but for the last 2 weeks I have had a chance to breathe. I needed that. I needed to get in touch with the California boy inside of me. That way I can push the New Yorker that I have become, to evolve to the next level. All I know is, when I get back to New York, I'll be different from when I left, I continue to change daily. This trip has once again changed me. Not completely, but it added something to my life, something that I've been needing for the last 2 months. I went out for dinner with Danny tonight. Danny is one of my closest friends. You don't find kind influencers often. I'm so lucky that Danny can fall in that category. We met via an influencer group we are apart of online. Over the last year we have become real close, and I'm so grateful for our friendship and relationship. I always try to make time to see him, because he means a lot to me. Our bond means a lot to me. A lot has happened since I've last seen him in November. I'm very lucky we were able to sit down for a few hours and gossip about our lives and the lives around us. We talked about our now, and what 12 months down the line may look like.

Dear readers,
You leave home, you move on, and you do the best you can. That's what everyone usually says after they leave their childhood homes. I can 100% vouch for that. It's hard. It's not as easy or as fun as it may look. Being an adult is hard. It's even harder when you're an adult that has to battle an illness. It is not easy to be out in the world on your own, especially when you don't know if you're going to wake up the next day and your sight might be gone. It's scary. It's scary not having that safety net that you once depended on. It gives you no choice but to move forward because staying put with your situation will only make it worst. Being here, it's weird. Because I know this safety net can't keep me safe any more. It's no longer mine. Instead, the house that built me is here to give me a place to catch my breath. I thought if I could touch this place and feel it, the brokenness inside me might start healing. Instead, it reminded me, that no matter the new life I may now lead, I'm still broken. Specifically, with my illness, that is still something that is greatly affecting me. I should feel mad that I feel this way, but I'm not. I needed this reminder. I needed this reminder because I know the brokenness inside me, is the thing that is going to help me move forward. The brokenness must start to show because, without it, I wouldn't be honest with who I am. The brokenness is apart of me. My Glaucoma is apart of me. I never thought I would say this, but without my illness, I wouldn't be who I am now, I wouldn't be on this path to who I can become.

This nearly 3-week visit back to the bay area is flying by so fast! In one week I'll be back in New York. Am I ready to go back?.. Not yet, I will be soon though. I just want to feel like I completed all that I need to while I'm here. Everyone has been wanting to spend time with me. I'm trying to spread my wings everywhere and make time for everyone. How is that going? Well, I haven't seen everyone yet, so there's that answer. It is hard when there is so much to do, but time just goes by so quickly. Luckily I had all of today free, to spend with my sissy, Dash. Dash has been wanting to have a brother/ sissy day, just for us. I'm glad I got to spend the whole day with her. I needed it. I need a distraction from my real-world problems that I'm going through. I wish I could have more days like these, but now that I live in NYC, I don't get to do these kinda things as often as I used to. When I lived here, all my sibs and I, we had days like this at least once every week. From going to the movies, or shopping trips, you name it. Today, Dash and I headed to the Egyptian Museum in San Jose. We wanted to have a cool "adult" field trip. Not that kids can't go here, it's just that we wanted to feel like we were kids on a field trip, but now as adults. I've never been to this museum, nor has Dash, so we were shocked to find out there was an actual tomb inside. It brought me back to the time we were at Angel Island. We were in 5th grade and Dash freaked out because we were so high up. Our classmate's father had to carry Dash down the hill. Except for this time, I'm not carrying her or holding her hand, if a freaking mummy decides to come back to life, she better run, haha. Walking into this tomb felt like we were in an episode of Scooby-Doo, lol. Deadass, it was a very interesting experience. I didn't think I would ever step into a tomb that leads us under the bay area. Even writing that sentence feels weird, haha. But here I am... taking selfies in a tomb. As we walked around and explored this fascinating museum we talked about what we're all going to be doing when I leave here again. I think it hit both me and my sissy harder, I really don't live here anymore. I know my family wishes I could be living nearby still, especially her and Courtney, but we all know that I have to be in New York, for now, that way we can be together again, one day soon. Trust me, we'll be living closer to each other soon. Seeing how all these artifacts stand the test of time, was a reminder of the relationships I have with my family. One day people could walk through a museum about us. They could see the timeline of my life play out. Every bit of uncertainty would be showcased to the public. In those uncertain moments, days like today come into play. I'm taken back to the times that I experienced so much love, the memories that stick with me for life. All those moments come from days like today. Days when my siblings remind me that it isn't my blood to not keep moving forward. No matter the pain or outcome. Today Dash reminded me that just 3 years ago, she was holding my hand and babysitting me because I couldn't see. Now here we are basically auditioning for "the mummy" ride at Universal Studios, lol. All jokes aside, I wouldn't have the strength to wake up every day, if I didn't make these memories that stick with me.

Dear readers,
I'm a city boy through and through. But... my heart always craves for the beach. I guess that is the islander in me. I mean, I don't think I could ever live back home on Guam, but, I'll always have a part of myself that longs to be near the beach. I truly am both. Of course one of the first things I had to do when I got back to the bay area, was go to the beach. The beach is like my safe haven, away from the hustle and bustle that drives my mind places, in the city. I think that's one of the aspects that I miss most, now that I live in NYC. Somehow I feel like I have meshed the 2 coasts together. I use both coast's slang, I combine my CA style with my NY style, to create my own vibe, and of course, I use the lessons I learned in SF to my advantage in NYC. I have meshed the 2 together. Let's be real, I rubbed off some of the west coast, to my new family in NYC. When I left SF, I knew my story there was done. I also knew where to leave room for more of California. It's no secret that I chose to go to NYC first, over LA. I did that for a reason. For me to feel fulfilled, I needed to move to New York first. I would have loved to go home to LA right off the bat, but there were missing pieces that needed to be found in New York. I just didn't think I would find a good chunk of those pieces, 2 months into my new life. Now that I have them, I can technically leave New York. But, leaving would be a disservice to the growth that I have gained and continue to gain. I also don't want to rush those pieces and create art that feels half-assed. Instead, I will now bring to life the mental roadmap I created before moving to NYC, and begin to travel the outline of the yellow brick that will lead me back to LA, within a year. Within a year gives me and the pieces of my puzzle, enough time to create and be apart of something more than ourselves. I can't believe I'm saying this, but, I'm only planning on keeping New York as my home base for another 9-12 months. Time moves so fast, especially in NYC. Somehow these new elements that I have been missing, keep coming to me every single day. I know more will come along the way when I return to NYC. But, if it continues this way, I already know when I have my eventual return to the west coast, mainly LA, I'll feel like a whole person, as opposed to half of what I could be.