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Home?

2/27/2020

CHAPTER 2: 18 Days
Entry #11: "Home?"

Dear readers,
They say home is where the heart is. That could be true, but it could also be the place you dread the most. Let's be real, I can't be the only one in their late twenties dreading home visits. In my case, it is a mixed bag. I love my family. Well, most of my family. Sometimes you can't choose your horrible relatives. If that ain't FACTS, then what is? I love my California. I adore the city by the bay that I once lived in, I loathe that small town in far far away land, and every night I always dream of my city of angels. It really is a mixed bag for me. As a New Yorker, we say, it be like that. It really do. I'm home for the first time in 71 days... I'm here for some tests and doctor visits for my eye. In case ya'll forgot, I'm sick... It doesn't just go away... as much as I wish it would... we'll get to that later... Anyways, do I even call it home anymore? Let's just say it is the place that I used to call home. My mom is making it known to everyone, that her son does not belong in the Bay Area. She literally told someone who said "Welcome Home" to me, "this is not his home anymore, he is far beyond this place." Bless her for saying that. Because honestly, it doesn't feel like home anymore. It feels like some out of body experience in some afterlife. I arrived yesterday afternoon. First stop was a layover in my city of angels. I still get butterflies flying over LA. There is just this visible tug between me and that city. It has and always will be, meant to be. The timing just has to be right. I got off the plane and was greeted by the airport staff who carried my guitar off the plane. The 2 girls said to me, "I love your style, your outfit, your boots, your nails. You look like a rockstar. There is something so special about you". First off, that is the NICEST compliment you can receive after a 9-hour flight. 2nd, if that isn't a sign of some seed being planted for my eventual return to LA, then what is?... As I headed off to my flight to SF, I couldn't help but feel the bittersweetness creep up on me. It's written so clearly on every wall... this story is headed to LA. Maybe not in this chapter or the next. 100% though, that is the endgame. It always has been. As much as I would love to gush about my LA upbringing, it's time to talk about SF and the bay area, and why I now feel like an outsider looking in.

As I got off the plane, it hit me that I'm back in SF. It's really weird. I moved away from here 2 months ago. I'm not even off the plane yet, and it feels like I'm a high school grad visiting his old stomping grounds. I can already tell time moves differently here. Back home in New York, time moves so quickly, but slow enough, that the last 2 months felt like half a year. I wondered to myself, how will the bonds with my loved ones be? My nephews ran up to me and greeted me. I'm so happy I got to see my boys. They are a huge part of my life. I helped be a part of my boys' upbringing for the last 5 and 8 years of their lives. My relationship with them is one of the most important relationships in my life. The only thing that really broke my heart when I moved away from here, was the thought of leaving them behind. It broke my heart a little more when I arrived, because they both said, "it's been 2 months Uncle DD, that's too long, we haven't seen you for so long". That broke my heart a little. As I said, it is a mixed bag. I wish I could continue to be at the forefront for my boys. I hated hearing that, but I have to do this. I have to set an example and show them that being in the world is a good thing. A part of my plan has always been to show them that achieving the impossible, is possible. I'm just grateful to finally have them back in my arms as if time hasn't passed. My parents and I are still the same. We're still very close. I talk to my mom and dad every day, several times in the day. I know some kids and parents would loathe that, but not me. I'm grateful for the bond that I have with them, especially after all that we have been through together. My parents are actually going to be going back to New York with me. I'm not ashamed to say I need help. My living situation has been less than ideal. Hopefully, that gets situated. When I arrived at my childhood home, just outside of the Bay, it really felt like it wasn't real. I truly felt like I don't live there anymore. I can already tell that everyone's lives went on without me. That felt like such a weird feeling for me. The only thing that didn't miss a beat is my relationship with my boys, and of course, my illness. I noticed this feeling creep up on me more, as I saw my siblings. I'm so blessed that my best friends are my brothers and sisters. 3 may not blood, but they are very much so blood to me, and of course, my godbrother is blood-related to me. Regardless, they are my siblings. They are my family.

Of course, Courtney was the first one that I got to spend time with. My sister Courtney and I, we are a team. It's always us. It always has been us. Even though we talk every single day, several times in the day, I already see the major changes that have been made since we parted ways in December. My sister has a whole bunch of new things going on in her life. I honestly feel like an outsider looking in, as we embraced each other. Even though I have been aware of everything that has been going on. It's weird seeing how much things have changed, especially when you see the changes in person. I'm glad my sister has been moving on. We all have moved on over the last 2 months. For them, it's been 2 months. For me, it has felt like 6. To be here with them, right now, is very special for me. Courtney and I basically spent the whole duration of 2018 and 2019 together. We grew up together as kids... and as adults. Separating us was very difficult. Somehow, we always find a way back to each other. Until then we will have these little periods spent together until that day that we can live nearby, comes around again. One thing is for sure, she still and always will be my right hand.
My brothers joined in later in the evening. I got to see my brother, Jamie, and godbrother, Braeden. It's been harder to keep up with my brother's lives since I moved to New York. I speak to them at least every 2 weeks. I grew up with Jamie. Jamie is the brother that always saw me as so much more. He has never doubted me, and when things got rough, especially when I got sick, Jamie was right there by my side, guiding me through. Braeden and I have been together since he was born. I'm lucky that I got to have a little cousin and godbrother, turn into one of my closest confidants. Braeden holds the childhood part of myself. Both he and Jamie, are always running to be by my side, no matter where I am.
Dash was last to come home. Let's face it, my sissy is always fashionably late. It's so weird seeing her here because she literally was just in New York last month. When she got out of her car she said ”what the hell are you doing here? you do not fit in here, LOL". She is stating FACTS. 100%. Even Dash could tell, this is some weird shit seeing me here in the bay area. Weirdness aside, tonight Dash reminded me that I'm on a path back to all my siblings. I have to be apart from everyone that I love, for a while. As we talked for a good 4 hours, she said: "LA has always been our endgame". "LA has been all of our endgames." She is so right. Sometimes I forget that I moved to New York, to move to LA. As weird as that may sound, that has always been the plan for me. The fact of the matter is, that the plan is going a lot faster than I thought it would originally. When I head back to New York, it will just go further down the line. I moved away from SF because my story here is done. I'm here now for my health, and to spend a little time with my family. Being here is further proof, that there really isn't anything more for me to reach out for in SF. It feels like my life here was a whole other storybook... that's because it is. However, my story in California is not yet done. There is still something here, especially in LA... But, the bay area, it's not home anymore. Honestly, I'm okay with that. My time here will always hold a special place in my heart. I learned what I needed to learn from here. Like mom, and everyone else has said, you're far away from this place that was once home, you fit in, but you never belonged here. Now the world has me, and I'm playing in its large playground. For now, New York is home. I feel like it always will have a part of me. I passed my torch to everyone else to call SF, home. Hopefully one day, I'll have a firm location to call home. Until then, I'll carry the home that the love in my heart has created, everywhere I go. I'm here in the bay area for 18 days, let's see how the place I once called home, will treat me as a visitor, instead of a resident.

However, my story in California is not yet done. There is still something here, especially in LA... But, the bay area, it's not home anymore. Honestly, I'm okay with that. My time here will always hold a special place in my heart. I learned what I needed to learn from here. Like mom, and everyone else has said, you're far away from this place that was once home, you fit in, but you never belonged here. Now the world has me, and I'm playing in its large playground. For now, New York is home. I feel like it always will have a part of me. I passed my torch to everyone else to call SF, home. Hopefully one day, I'll have a firm location to call home. Until then, I'll carry the home that the love in my heart has created, everywhere I go. I'm here in the bay area for 18 days, let's see how the place I once called home, will treat me as a visitor, instead of a resident.
Love, Roydom Lucian

Photographer: Courtney Johnson

What I'm Wearing - Turtle Neck - Champs, Jacket - Boss, Jeans - Levis

If You're Going To San Francisco

2/24/2020

CHAPTER 1: Welcome To New York
Entry #10: "If You're Going To San Francisco"

Dear readers,
Where do you come from? Where did you plant the seeds to become who you are? A lot of the reasons I am the way I am is because of the last few years I spent living in San Francisco. I moved to New York from SF because I felt my story there was completed. I still feel that way. I feel like there are so many more blank pages ahead of me since I said goodbye to a city that grew into a safety net of some sort. I grew up in a small town called Fairfield, then in my late teens, I grew up in LA. My story in Fairfield has been over for so many years now. That place is a thing of my past. My story in LA, that's not done yet. I'm not here to talk about that though, that will most definitely come down the line. LA is very important to this current story, but it's not time to talk about my city of angels. It's time to talk about my life in SF. I haven't really looked back at it with this whole new perspective I have gained, as a new New Yorker. Now that I have been living in New York for 2 months, it's time to return to the city that I once called home.

SF came into my life after I got sick. I grew up not too far from the city. I just never went in. I never embraced it. My family always went down to SoCal or Washington state. We never really went to SF, even though my dad's company has painted some of SF's most famous landmarks. Growing up, SF was always the place we went to every once in a while. When I got sick I needed a place that could fill the void I was missing from my life in LA. That place became SF. At first, I loathed it. I locked myself away and refused to go out because of how my illness was affecting my life and state of mind. I was closed off and just saw it as a placeholder. Eventually, life went on and 2016 came around. Little by little, I started taking baby steps and learned how the city worked. I fell in love, started going out more. Even as I got more sick, I still had a desire to create some sort of life in the city by the bay. By 2018 I let my guard down. I took it to the next level and my whole world shifted into something so much more. 2018 was the first time I ever felt like SF was home. My career as a social influencer grew into something larger. I was finally learning how to live a life after being locked in a tower for the last few years. From every new thing that I experienced, it became crystal clear that SF was planting the seeds for my inner tree to grow into something more, something beyond the Golden Gate bridge. When I got sick, I felt like SF embraced me. Fairfield talked hella shit. Let's be real, I think most of the people that knew me probably rooted for me to go completely blind. Not SF. They gravitated towards me and made me feel so safe. Some of the best memories of my life have come from the last 2 years I spent living there. Some of the most important lessons I learned, I learned in that city. The relationships and the bonds that I made, helped me and continues to help me to create the relationships and the bonds I am now creating here in New York. The delicate kindness and warmth that filled my soul, gave me the courage to move forward, to move here, to New York. I know some people would say it is too soon for me to return to the city I just moved my whole life away from. Not my choice. I'm still sick, I still have this disease, and I need to be treated so I can continue making a life here in New York. I have no problem returning to SF. I think it will be good to return there, now as a New Yorker. In many ways both cities are similar, but they are both vastly different. I said goodbye in December. For the last 2 months, New York has opened and shut doors on my face. But, every sudden change has hardened me, to make me better. With the last 2 months documented in-depth, I now say, see you next month, New York. I have to return to my former home for a second. The other part of my life needs me, so that way this new depth I have gained here in New York, can continue to grow when I return. Now, tomorrow morning, I will say hello to SF, for the first time in 71 days. My family and loved ones knew me as something and someone very different from the man I am now becoming. Now they get to see me in a whole new light. How that will go? I don't know. How I will handle it? I don't know. Will it feel different going back to a place where I once called home? I don't know. I'm about to find out though. It's time to return to my former thrown. I left California as one person, and now I return as someone vastly different.

Love, Roydom Lucian

END OF CHAPTER 1: Welcome To New York

Photographer: Alex Chavez

What I'm Wearing - Coat - Alfani, Beanie and Socks - Vans, Shoes - Madewell, Jeans - levis

Nothing Compares To You

2/19/2020

CHAPTER 1: Welcome To New York
Entry #9: "Nothing Compares To You"

Dear readers,
We're back at the crossroad. It's now time to level up again. It's crazy. The last 2 months have gone by and now here we are, feeling like we just completed one portion of our journey. It's true, we have. I leave back home to California this week. Meanwhile, Jesus, Julio, and Anthony are off to Miami, and my band (+Gio) is staying behind in NYC. We all won't be together again until March. We've all spent every week together since I moved to New York. It's going to be so weird to put a pause on this part of our lives and go do something different for a few weeks. I never would have thought we would reach some sort of milestone within my 2 months of living here in NYC. I've performed numerous times, I now have a whole band that is on my side, and I have made so many new memories that will stick with me for life. As I look back and see what we have been able to create as a unit, and as a team, I'm proud of all of us. Lately, I've been in rehearsals with my band. I've gotta say, they sound so good. I'm so excited for everyone to see what we are working on. They just learn so quickly and it just makes it easier to work with them. I'm sad I have to leave them for a second, but, I know they will rehearse without me, to the best of their ability, until I return. Hopefully, when I get back home to NYC, I'll feel like I have settled in completely, as opposed to how uncomfortable I have felt over the last 2 months. Can you believe I've lived in 2 apartments since I arrived here? That's crazy! Somehow amongst all of that, I've still managed to create some sort of life that I can be happy with. For a last hurrah of sorts, until we're all together again, last night we celebrated Jesus's birthday. Both Jesus and Julio's birthdays are right after each other. Jesus had a gig last night, so, Anthony and I went out to support him on his special day. It was in one of the weirdest locations, but he pulled through and got it done, all on his special day. I'm glad Anthony was there to tag along. I know when I get back from California, I want to build more of a bond with him. That dude is so cool, he reminds me of my brother Braeden, and he reminds of home. The plan is to go skateboarding when I return. So, I shall re-add that to the list of things I will learn and conquer when I get back to NYC. The boys have come real far since I arrived. Everyone has shown some sort of growth. It's weird to see parts of myself within them now, and the things they have thought me, shine through things that I now do. I'm a completely different person than the guy that first arrived here. Today is Julio's 22nd birthday. Jesus, Julio, and I went out to dinner to celebrate our brother's special day. Julio is like the glue of our family. Everything we're doing is because of moves he made, to help us all move forward. It's so crazy for this part of our story to come full circle on his birthday before we all leave. Our brother Gio joined us and informed the waitress that it was Julio's bday. They brought out a cake and Julio got to make his wishes. I'm really proud of my brothers, from Jesus and Julio to Gio and Chris, and everyone in our lives. Everyone's life was a little different before I arrived here. Now, I can't see any part of my future without them in it, in some shape or form. They have become my family. We continue to create these bonds and build upon them. Most of them may be younger than me, but I give credit where credit is due. They each have thought me something new about myself. I didn't know I could tap into certain parts of my life and feel things I never felt before, on my own. The family that I have here in New York has shown me, I don't need to force love upon myself, from someone who always flaked. When the love I have from them, and the family I have back home in California, fulfill more of my happiness than I ever knew it could. As I close up this first chapter of my life in New York, I can not stress how grateful I am for everyone that has taken care of me and guided me here in this city that I'm now honored and blessed, to call home.

I look back to my very first day in New York and just mentally watch how every single day, every change, and every unexpected moment, made me and continues to make me so much better. From Julio showing me around town for the first time to getting drunk at an Irish bar at 2:30 am, Playing Mario Cart with Julio and Anthony, to singing 'Nothing On You' at 3:30 am on New Year's eve with Jesus and Julio, to the first day I met Chris and foreshadowed our bond that is so strong now, to seeing the beautiful NYC skyline curtsey of Alex and his beautiful home, to spending a second with Adrian and Sherry and feeling welcomed in this new big city, to the late-night dinners with the boys and Jenny at random Chinese restaurants, to meeting my band and creating a world for the music that I have inside of me, to come to life... Every little moment adds up. Deadass, they all touch my heart and make me want to do better, do more so that all these moments are honored within everything I do. Tonight they all flashed before my eyes and filled my heart with so much gratitude. As we walked out of the restaurant and parted ways, we look towards the future and what's to come next. Gio turned to me and said, "sing 'Nothing On You'". In a full-circle moment that takes me back to the start, my brothers, and now this time, with our brother, Gio, we walked down the street and sang 'Nothing On You'... one more time before we take the steps to the next portion of our journeys. Because no matter what this story becomes, no matter where we go, no matter what my story and each of our individual's stories become, nothing can compare to these memories, that will now stick with me for life. I love you guys, with all my heart. Nothing compares to this, to you, to us.

Love, Roydom Lucian

Photographer: Chris Lopez

What I'm Wearing Jacket - Good Fellow, Flannel - Dickies, Sweater - H&M, Suit Pants - Express, Shoes - Fila

Lose you to love me

2/16/2020

CHAPTER 1: Welcome To New York
Entry #8: "Lose You To Love Me"

Dear readers,
So, I said goodbye for many reasons. But, mainly because I knew I couldn't continue to try and save this sinking ship. I'm not going to lie to you, I continued to try and save this ship up until recently. I just didn't want to let it go all the way down to the bottom of the ocean. Now I'm telling myself, it's okay to do that. It's okay to let it sink now. I'm sitting here on Valentine's Day, a little bitter, but mostly bittersweet. It's bittersweet because I sure as hell know that I deserve better. I deserve more. As my family and I have been talking lately, we've been saying that we deserve to love, we also deserve to be loved. I feel like for the last 2 months that I have been in New York, I've been learning to live without a limb that I relied on. I didn't depend on my relationship, but it gave me some sort of crutch, knowing that someone loved me. Or at least what I thought love was. I've had to revaluate a lot of my life here in New York. I was continuously promised the world, and I continuously fell for it. I believed in him, I believed in us. I just drowned so much of myself into this idea of what I thought we were, and what I thought we could be. In the process of that, I lost apart of myself. I was living for him, and not for myself. At one point, I remember looking in the mirror, not even knowing the boy I was turning myself into. For the last 2 months that I have spent on my own, I've had to re-learn who I am. It's amazing how the last 2 months have felt like half a year. It's felt so long, but it went by so quickly. I'm not the boy I used to know, I'm honestly a better man. There are moments when I feel the sting of what used to be, then there are the happiest moments. I swear I have smiled so much over the last 2 months. Everyone says, regardless of the stress I am now going through, from my living situation, and adult problems, this is the lightest and happiest that I have been. It's true. I not only see myself evolving, I feel it as well. I had to relearn to love myself. I had to lose you to love me. As scary as that may seem, sometimes we have to break away from the crutch that held us together. Because the crutch that you glue yourself too may be the thing that is holding you back. Life is a revolving door. I thought that my relationship would come back through the door. I thought that we would be able to hit replay and start fresh. That is not always the case. Life is not a fairytale. I mean, you could write one, but let's be real, fairytales are some dark pieces of writing. Before we get to the happy ending, we gotta go and grow through all the dark shit. I was willing to do that with Pietro by my side. I guess I can't say the same for him. That's okay. I dreamed of a life for us. The thing about dreams is, they are just a dream. You can always start fresh and dream a new dream. So, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to dream something better. I have a career that I am working hard for. I have these plans that will grow into something so much more. I'm not going to give up on the idea of love, just because my old dream couldn't come to see the light of day. Not right now, but soon. I feel like now that I have gone through continuous transformations, I'll be okay to open my heart for someone new. I can't keep letting myself lose you. But, this time is different. This time I truly did end up falling for someone new, that someone new, was me.

Love, Roydom Lucian

Photographer: Julio Chavez

What I'm Wearing: Coat - Alfani, Turtle Neck - H&M, Jeans - Express, Shoes - Madewell

Always Remember Us This Way (feat. Love Me Hug Me)

2/9/2020

CHAPTER 1: Welcome To New York
Entry #7: "Always Remember Us This Way"

This entry is made in collaboration with Love Me Hug Me. Love Me Hug Me is a new pop up exhibition with interactive capabilities for participants to experience a touching immersive love story. It tells the story of the reoccurrence of a couple whose love memory is gradually stolen by Alzheimer’s disease. I had the honor of visiting this exhibit, and I was really touched by the beautiful love story that unfolded in front of my eye, via a mini movie and the 7 beautiful interactive rooms. I hope the be as fortunate to have a love story, that touching, one day. You can check out more photos throughout the week on my IG and read my brand new entry, "Always Remember Us This Way', about my difficult love life, with more photos included, on roydomlucian.com. Thanks for having me @lovemehugmepopup. I'm so grateful that I got to experience this. Check out the exhibit open now until March 10, 2020. Love Me Hug Me is located in SoHo, at, 139 Wooster Street, New York, New York.

Dear readers,
It's weird living this new life here in NYC. As I soon head back to California for 18 days, I begin to look back at the last 2 months I have spent living here. You know, I wasn't supposed to be here alone. I was supposed to have someone else with me. It's complicated. That whole part of my life is complicated. But I have to let a little of it off my chest. I'm trying my best to separate the boy I once was 3 months ago, with the man I now am in NYC. God, I was so in love. Everyone has their own opinions about my private life. I won't even lie, I think I'll always be in love with the idea of being in love, with who I loved. Let's be real, I still love P. I always will. It's hard to completely move forward when everything I was with him, is written within the DNA of everything I now do, on my own. Society is starting to see me push forward as I return to my music career. Within every song that I write, I'm forced to relive every high and low of my complicated, complex, and delicate relationship. For a moment, within every hopeful love song that I sing, it takes me back to the times I truly was so deep in love. Then when the song is over, it hits me that it's not on replay. The song is over after the last note I have sung. Then I move onto the next song and the next stage. Then I relive the moment one more time, then it's just over. It ends. I'm forced to always remember 'us' in that way. It's beautiful, but it hurts, to look back at even the happiest moments. It hurts because I know where those happy moments lead to. I wish things could have been different. I wish I could remember these happy moments, and not have to feel the sting every time I have to replay them. As an artist, one of your greatest burdens is reliving every moment of your life, within every song that you write and sing. You have to be strong enough to relive through that every night, for the rest of your life. It is your duty as the artist, to tell your story so others can be able to feel what they need to feel, through what you have created. Sometimes people aren't able to feel what they need to feel, sometimes they need a song or a story, to help them move forward. That is our duty as an artist, to share our stories and create something that will impact others, even if it means replaying all the moments, you'd rather just lock away. I realize some people aren't able to remember their lives in that way. I'm lucky that I'm a writer. I have the gift to always be able to remember it. I know right now, it's a little awkward and rough to be in this position I am in. I have to adjust to this somehow. I will. I know I will. It's hard being constantly reminded about it. You know, I was fine. I guess it just stings a little when I see a couple holding hands on the subway, or the fact that a handful of the people I'm close to, has someone to love, or even hearing someone speak french, it reminds me of what could have been. I guess with Valentine's day, it brings up all these feelings for the unanswered questions, I don't know if I will ever get an answer to. I'm forced to always remember us in this way. Every time I step on stage or rehearse, It feels like I'm saying goodbye, all over again, and it hurts. But, it's okay. It's okay to hurt. At least for the rest of my life, I'll always be able to remember us that way. One day I'll look back and I'll finally be okay, remembering us in that way. But for now, it stings... then I remember why I had to say goodbye...

Love, Roydom Lucian

Photographer: Chris Lopez

What I'm Wearing: Cardigan - Urban Outfitters, Polo - Express, Pants - Boohoo Man, Shoes - Madewell, Hat - Urban Outfitters

Cornelia Street

2/5/2020

CHAPTER 1: Welcome To New York
Entry #6: "Cornelia Street"

Dear readers,
Family. No matter how far apart you may live, you always find a way to get together when it's possible. When I moved to NYC, one of my biggest hopes was that my family would come and visit me here. Sure enough, my sister Dashia was the first one to volunteer as tribute. I've been so busy with the family I have become apart of here, it's nice to have a piece of my past re-enter the frame of my new state of mind, within my new life. My life in California is very important for the life I am creating here in New York. Before I went to pick up my sister, I went out to lunch with my friend, Adrian, and his wife, Sherry. I've known Adrian for the last year now. Us social influencers, we all know each other or know of each other. I'm grateful that I finally got to spend some time with him. He doesn't live in the city, but, he has been one of the nicest ones here. Let's just say everyone else in this 'social influencing' community within NYC, has not been kind. It's nice to have a bro in my corner. I really appreciated that he and Sherry took some time out of their schedule to spend it with me. I hope I get to see them again soon! I would love to hang out and shoot some photos. Hopefully one day our friend Danny from back home in Cali can come along too. I told you, we all know each other, lol.

After We parted ways, I headed to Time's Square to pick up Dash and her best friend, aka my vegan roomie, Morgan. I met Morgan last year when Dash and I, visited NYC. Morgan lives in DC and came along with us. I love Morgan. They are a fantastic person and they make my sister very happy. Dash and Morgan were supposed to stay with me at my apartment. Due to my fucked up living situation, it scared my sister away, lol. Just joking, but seriously, she didn't want to stay there... I don't blame my sister. It's bad enough 2019 was one of the roughest years for us. We don't need to add a shared experience from my hellish apartment to that list. Dash is my best friend. We aren't blood, but, she is my sister. 17 years in, of course, we are family. I met Dash in elementary school and since then we have grown to become family. That's why I always address her as my sister. My family considers her family. My boys call her, Auntie Dae Dae. I'm so lucky that we are family. I don't know what I'd do without her. We've been through so much, yet here we are, still alive, and moving forward. Who would have thought that 17 years into our relationship, we'd be walking down Cornelia street, in New York City, together. Our kid selves would be shook if they found this out. It's so weird not living near my sissy anymore. Besides our stay in New York, when we first visited, Dash and I lived together as well. She lived at our house in California. It's her house too, my family's home is open to all our family. It is really weird not being able to walk downstairs and sit on her bed and just talk about random things for hours. It's also really weird, but a good weird, walking into the Starbucks that I met Dash and Morgan at, but this time, my sister is seeing me in a whole new light. She even admitted it's wild, seeing me here living in New York. Not just living, but doing things that people from back home, in the small town we grew up in, Fairfield. could only dream of. I can't begin to describe how good it is to be walking hand in hand, arm in arm, with my baby sister, in my new home, NYC. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss home. I miss home all the time. As my time in NYC continues to grow, I realize how much more I miss California, as the days go on. Home is a big part of me. I'm so glad that a piece of home could come to me, via my sister. I really needed her here. Even if it just for this moment. For me to thrive in this city, I need my family still. I'll always need them. After all that I've gone through, all that we have gone through, I'm always going to need them. Even if I'm out here in the world, all on my own, I'm always going to need them.

Dash, Morgan, and I headed out for a night on the town. They both wanted to get piercings, so I escorted both of them to the piercing shop. Dash has always liked piercings. For as long as I can remember, my sister has been all about that, lol. Both of them got piercings where they wanted them and as we sat and waited for each of them to finish, we just talked about how crazy the last few weeks have been. I didn't get to say goodbye to Dash when I left California. My sister has been traveling around the east coast with Morgan. I'm glad I got to catch up on their crazy adventures. They can add their new piercings to that list. We headed to Korea town to grab some vegan sushi and hit up the karaoke club scene. First off, the vegan sushi was INCREDIBLE. I have never had mock salmon that just melted in my mouth. Deadass, I can still taste it. It was incredible. After we finished dinner we didn't know what the hell to do. I'm still new here and Jesus and Julio weren't able to make it, so I honestly didn't know what to do. We all settled on going to this karaoke club. I had a feeling it would be pricey AF. Dash said she had a coupon, so we just went with it and went in. I don't know why we went there, but we barely even used the karaoke machine in the private room we were in, lol. The night kinda blurred together, but I remember Dash doing a SCREAMO version of '7 Rings', by Ariana Grande. God, that was so damn funny. I cried of laughter. It brought me back to our Whitney Houston dance sessions in our family room back home. Except, this time we are grown adults in a whole new world. As our first hour finished up, we all agreed we should call it a night. I had to be up early the next day, and they had to get going back to DC and California. When Dash got the check, she found out the coupon was not eligible... we were all so livid. It was to be expected though, This is NYC, it's not SF. It's a very different world. We had no choice but to pay the club more money than we expected. After we left with basically $0 (cheers to adulting), I brought my sisters back to the subway. It was here, where I finally got to share a proper goodbye with my baby sissy. I got to have proper goodbyes with my other sibs, but, Dash and I didn't get to have that until tonight. I know I'll be seeing her in basically a week and a half... Yes, I'm going back to California. Just for 18 days, not to live. We'll talk about that later. Anyways, I'm so proud of how far we have come. If you could look into my mind and see all that we have gone through, both separately, and together, you would be proud too. It's a lot. It's all been a lot for us, but we continue to make it out alive and move forward. Back in the day, Dash and I used to do Laurel Creek idol at our old elementary school. Now here we are at Penn Station, hugging goodbye because I live here and she lives back home in California. I think it has finally hit both of us, we are old, we are growing up, and we are grown. I love my sister, and I hope she knows that regardless of my shitty living situation, wherever I am, she is always welcome to be with me. That invitation is open to all my siblings, always. I'm glad I got to see my vegan roomie, Morgan. I hope they know that I consider them family as well. They make my sister so happy, and honestly, it makes me so happy to see her with the biggest smile on her face, especially after all that we have been through. I really needed her here with me. Even just for this moment, It really means a lot to my heart and soul to have a piece of home here in my new home, NYC. As I walked away, I did cry. I cried because, I always miss my siblings, my family. I just want to do right by them. I want the world to know our story, and have them be able to fall in love and relate to it. I know it is possible. I wouldn't have left behind everyone that I love, if I didn't think it was possible. I'm just so glad I got to have my sister hold me up, to hold me over until I get back to California soon.

Love, Roydom Lucian

Photographer: Alex Chavez

What I'm Wearing - Blazer - Saks 5th Ave, Hoodie - H&M, Pants - Uniqlo, Beanie - Good Fellow